Blog2019-09-18T19:54:11+00:00

SLOW DOWN, Couples at Play

Play is a reset button for our over-stressed, news-saturated, time-pressured adult minds. Most couples I work with will readily admit that play is not something they experience on a regular basis. Life has gotten too busy. There’s barely enough time to be alone to talk, much less play.

Putting the Sexy into Consent

One of my couples came to me feeling the fallout of a non-consensual incident that resulted in one of them feeling angry and the other confused. The man made the mistake of not asking his partner’s consent to try out something new in the bedroom. Rather than talking about it with his partner beforehand, he showed up in the bedroom with handcuffs, and proceeded to lock his partners arms behind her back. There was no conversation about using restraints and no mutual exploration on the subject of bondage beforehand. In effect, consent was not given, and because of that it didn’t go well, at all.

The Curse of Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias. We all have it. We experience it every day in the news, in our politics, in our workplace, and most directly in our relationships, where partners can suffer the consequences of confirmation bias on a daily basis. When it comes to our relationship it makes sense then that our brains are far more skilled at noticing what’s wrong with our partner, than what’s right.

Ethical Porn

Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the all time big driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex signals our desire to have sex ourselves, since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and leads a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Sex and Grief

Where does sex fit into grief? The myth we tell ourselves is that these two very basic human experiences are mutually exclusive. We believe that we shouldn’t want sex until we’re feeling sexy and receptive, and we can’t be grieving if our bodies are turned-on and orgasmic.

You Can’t Argue Someone Into Loving You

You can’t argue someone into loving you, yet in effect that’s the conflict that many no-sex or low-sex couples find themselves in on a daily basis. Chronic anger around a couple’s sexuality poisons a relationship and stresses their emotional bond. Although these pressure tactics can work in the world outside of the bedroom, power struggles in the bedroom only end in frustration and conflict.

The Cold, Hard Truth About Long-Term Relationships

There’s no getting away from the fact that couples in long-term relationships impact each other profoundly, in small and large ways. If you’re a couple who live together there are moments throughout each day that bring you together to discuss something, to work on a task, to accomplish an errand, to share a story, or listen to one. Partners flow in and around each other with such symbiosis, that we can sometimes feel like we’re one mechanism with a shared mind.

The Delicious Tension of Sexual Polarity

Erotic power exchange is a term that describes the play of sexual polarity between partners. In order to play with power exchange you have to first understand that you’re playing with opposites. If you’ve ever seen tigers mating the polarity of the pursuer and the pursued is exciting and very sexual. Nature’s sexual polarity teaches us about our own inherent workings.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is actually a gift that descends upon us when we stop pretending to have it all together and admit to our human flaws and fragility. It’s a gift we give to ourselves and our partner, because it shifts our state from one of closed-off superficiality, to one of feeling and deep sharing. When one partner in a couple opens the door to vulnerability, they create space for their partner to join them there, and it’s in that space of shared vulnerability where hearts connect and intimacy is experienced.

Ecosexuality

April 22nd was Earth Day, and I couldn’t have found myself in a more awe- inspiring part of the world, The American Southwest. It was my first visit to the Grand Canyon. My partner led me up to the rim with my eyes covered. He placed my hands on a metal barrier that stood over a very deep part of the canyon and told me to open my eyes.

10 Tips for Talking About Sex with Your Partner

Sex is probably one of the hardest things to talk about with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner is going to hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to talk about the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that keeps you both feeling heard and understood.

New Ways to Heal Old Wounds

When two people get together to form a relationship, there are two sets of wounds merging and intertwining, our partner’s and our own. We know when our old wounds are being dragged into a conflict because our pain and defensiveness will suddenly spike. If our partner is speaking the same words as our inner abuser, the armor will go up, and disagreements will escalate into shouting, tearful battles.

Growing Up With Sex

Every decade serves us up a unique sexual buffet of experience and challenges. We mature emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually, and if we want sex to remain an integral part of our lives, we make sex part of our conversation, to insure that sex matures right along with us.

Your Desires are Beautiful

Did you know that the most common sexual fantasies for Republicans are infidelity and orgies, while Democrats most enjoy BDSM fantasies? And yes, I voted for Biden. I’ve been enjoying, Kinsey Research Fellow, Justin Lehmiller’s latest book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. I’m enjoying it probably because I agree with most of what he says. Funny how that work.

Good Vibes

My female cousin was a primary contributor to my early sex education, when I needed it most. For instance she clarified that I couldn’t get pregnant by dancing with a boy, no matter how close we got. She also confirmed that I wasn’t the only person who touched themselves (down there), and most importantly, she showed me that ‘wellness massagers from Sears were used for things other than sore necks and shoulders. A few years later my boyfriend introduced me to the real deal. A vibrator made specifically for genital arousal. It was a cream colored, hard plastic, shapeless cylinder with a twisting on/off switch at the end.

Intimacy in Analog

It's hard to believe we've only had iPhones in our lives since 2007. Prior to that if couples wanted to ignore each other they hid behind newspapers. The cliché of the man, sitting at the dinner table with a newspaper up to his face has been replaced with the couple sitting in a restaurant scrolling their cell phones. If you’re using your phone as a way to avoid human intimacy, connection and conversation, then it doesn’t matter what you’re hiding behind, you’re still hiding.

Do You Like Me?

My first invaluable lesson in romantic self-confidence came from a long-standing infatuation with a 5th grader named Paul. From grades 2-5, I prayed Paul would be in my homeroom class, and maybe, just maybe, he’d notice me. I’d coyly walk by him in the playground, stealing glances of him from across the monkey bars. I’d stand near him in gym class and, of course, I wrote about him in my diary.

Desire: The Missing Link

Feeling desired is often the part of our sexual experience that gets lost in long-term relationships. We can become better lovers, more sensitive listeners, more generous givers, even more desirous lovers ourselves, but if we’re not feeling desired, that missing piece can leave a painful void in our sexual experience. Let’s acknowledge that we all have a deep need to feel desired.

The Art of Initiation (Part 2)

In last week’s blog, Initiating Sex (part 1) you read about why it’s important to master the art of initiation. I use the term art, because with seduction and initiation there is no formula to apply, no one-size fits all script to use. In part 1 we learned that the secret is good communications. I now want to give you some insights that might help you hear ‘yes’, more often than ‘no’.

The Art of Initiation

Initiating sex with our partner is a mixed bag for couples. It comes with ease for some, where just a look or an innuendo sets things in motion, but for most couples initiation is laden with a dynamic that create feelings of frustration, misunderstanding and resentment.

Loving, in Cruise Control

We’re together with our partner day in and day out. Each week looks the same as the last. The passing scenery isn’t changing. We’re not even sure of our destination anymore. We’re just going along, without having much impact on how the trip is progressing. We’ve become passive passengers in our relationship, cruising in automatic.

I’m Done With Sex!

When I hear a woman make such a resounding statement as ‘I’m done with sex’, I imagine a long road of frustration, obligation, unmet desires and unspoken words, leading up to that absolute declaration. Sex is not about obligation, although women have been told it was their obligation for eons of time. Relatively speaking, it wasn’t all that long ago that women were considered the property of a man, and their role in life was having a family and pleasing her husband. (and in many parts of the world still are).

Fetish Sexuality

Fetish sexuality is worth a post of it’s own. It’s a fascinating subsection of kink that will often have its roots in early life experiences that, for one reason or another, have been eroticized, and therefore inextricably embedded in our sexual brains. Fetishes can range from an enjoyable distraction, to a necessary ingredient of our sexual fulfillment.

Passion – Waking Up The Sleeping Giant

Ah, passion. Everyone loves passion. It’s an energy that moves and enlivens us. Similar to romance, we’re all indoctrinated into what passion looks like. It’s feels exciting. It’s thrilling. It can even feel dangerous at times. Passion can launch us into an epic love story with our forever soul mate, and it can also lead us astray into illicit love and bad decisions.

Slow Sex – It’s in the how, not the what

Although I speak about how sexual styles may differ from each other, I don’t view them in any kind of hierarchy. I think all 6 sexual styles (sensual, slow sex, romance, passion, fetish and kink) are alive in every one of us. We’re just more familiar with some and less familiar with others. But combined, they offer a full-spectrum erotic experience that can feed us on multiple levels, sometimes even within one sexual occasion.

Addicted to Love

Ask most couples about the early stages of their relationship, and they’ll remember the ease they experienced around sex and intimacy. They’ll stare off into space with memories of testosterone-driven lust and estrogen flooding seduction.

Infidelity – 10 Steps to Unpacking The Pain

The feelings of betrayal that come from an affair being discovered or revealed can be overwhelming. Our world that felt safe in one minute, now feels dangerous and threatening. We can’t think straight, adrenaline is coursing through our bodies, and we shift from a calm, logical mind into fight, flight or freeze. When we feel triggered, or threatened, our amygdala brain is running the show. It’s purpose is solely to protect us from a perceived threat and keep us alive.

The Baby Behind the Bully

I woke up this morning feeling emotionally battered by the bullying behavior in our first national Presidential debate this week. I thought about how many people who currently live, or have lived under the same roof with an adult bully. I wondered how many of them were left triggered by the bullying behavior that is all too painfully familiar.

The Biology of Being Naked and Afraid

If sex is not on your mind these days, don’t beat yourself up about it. Our bodies are not designed to think about sex when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. When stress is dictating our lack of sexual desire, we need to find ways to regulate our stress. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it.

Sexual Shame 2.0

You may not identify with having sexual shame. You may be quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising. You may support honest and truthful sex education, and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. The shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs. Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestor’s sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients.

Your Most Important Threesome

You may think that having a threesome would be exciting, but the truth is, you’re already in a threesome. There’s you, your partner, and your relationship. When we begin to view our relationship as the 3rd in our threesome, it’s easier to see how we are either feeding it with attention and nurturing care, or we’re literally ignoring it to death.

Thoughts on Sexual Savoring

Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to be with what ‘is’. Savoring brings an additional layer of experience with it. It brings a depth of noticing that is filled with feelings of gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.

Welcome To My Mind

Sharing fantasies with your partner is the 2.0 of sexual communication. In order to support each other’s sexual growth and learning, ask your partner if they’d be interested in sharing their sexual fantasies, for the purpose of deepening your sexual connection and expanding your erotic experience. When we’re tuned into our partner’s erotic mind, we can support them having the experience they’re drawn to.

Touch: Love In Action

“When was the last time someone touched you?” I asked him. “It’s been 6 months”, he said, looking shocked at hearing his own words. Something so natural as touching a friend in a happy moment has been taken away from us, unless we’ve joined in a pod with one or more equally cautious others. One of life’s great pleasures is suddenly dangerous to ourselves and to those we long to touch.

Creating Your Erotic Menu – Part 2

If you’ve been dealing with sexual challenges in a long-term relationship, talking about sex may be full of blame, guilt, regret, embarrassment, and a whole host of other emotions that have built up over the years. If your partner suggests sitting down to talk about your sex life, your first reaction may be to brace yourself for the inevitable bad feelings that will come out of that talk. I designed Your Erotic Menu to guide you through this conversation in a way that bypasses the blame game and supports curiosity and exploration.

A Communication Exercise For Curious Couples

Most people will understand an ‘erotic menu’ to mean the activities they engage in during sex. But if I ask a client what’s on their erotic menu, they’ll often look perplexed. They’ll start with intercourse, kissing, touching, oral sex but, after these more obvious activities, they realize their list is pretty short actually. “I mean, how many things can two people do during sex? Was what someone said to me a few weeks ago.

How to Marie Kondo Your Sexual Beliefs

This week a client told me she was doing a Marie Kondo on her closet. She was getting rid of what no longer gave her joy. We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner and the nagging resistance she has to being touched. Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil and she’d shut down.

7 Tips to Bypass Conflict in Your Relationship

If you’re in a relationship with another human, disagreements will happen. It’s a given. No matter how much we love someone, you can’t avoid differing opinions and heated discussions. The secret to a happy relationship is how you navigate these disagreements and move through them to a feeling of resolution. This doesn’t mean finding a solution, it means getting to the point where you both feel heard and empathized with. In the end we all need to feel respected, even in the midst of disagreements. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed a communication model called Non-Violent Communication.

Are You Being Sexually Authentic?

The number one reason most people say they don’t speak their truth to their partner is because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I think it runs deeper than that. I think we don’t want to speak our truth because we’re not confident about having a conversation that will lead us to the deeper intimacy that can be found in truth telling.

10 Tips for Sharing Your Sexual Desires

Sex is probably one of the hardest things to talk about with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner is going to hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to talk about the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that keeps you both feeling heard and understood.

8 Tips to End the Power Struggle and Bring Sex Back to Your Marriage

I recently got hooked into a reality show on Netflix called Married at First Sight. It followed four couples who agreed to arranged marriages, meeting for the first time on the day of their wedding. Three relationship experts paired them from a large pool of applicants. The show follows these four couples for two months, from the honeymoon to sharing an apartment for six weeks while they work and live their day to day lives as a married couple.

8 Relationship Dynamics that lead Couples to my Virtual Door

I love my couples. They reach out for sex coaching, wanting to create a fulfilling sexual and intimate life. The number one obstacle to achieving their goals is sometimes an unhealthy relationship dynamic. For most of us, opening ourselves to sexuality with our partners requires trust, connection and a sense of emotional safety. If our relationships are being impacted by unhealthy dynamics that leave us triggered and harboring conscience or unconscious resentment, sexuality will be impacted or at worst no longer exist.

Filling Your Partner’s Love Tank When It’s Clear They’re Running on Empty

In my Tips for Couples in Captivity blog posts over the past weeks I’ve been inspired by clients, both their questions and their solutions. What did I hear about this week? Couples want to take advantage of this at-home time together to focus on their relationship, everything from ironing out the conflict wrinkles to having better sex and intimacy.

The F Word

Once again, I’m inspired to write about a topic raised by a few of my coaching clients this week, the F word. The word that makes some of us open up wanting more and makes some of us close down, running in the opposite direction.

Touching For Your Own Pleasure

Three recent conversations with clients inspired me to write about pleasurable touch, and why most people can dish it out, but they can’t take it. There is so much more to touch than laying our hands on another person’s body. There’s context, intention, expectation, desire, sensation, communication. Touch is a language not just between you and your partner’s body, but it’s also a communication between your hands and your brain.

Corona Buddies

9 tips on how to stay out of the roommate zone while in captivity... When we don’t have a work place outside of our home to create physical distance from our beloved partners, we need to rethink how to maintain the necessary ebb and flow of coming and going from each other’s company.

Kink as a Relationship Tool

Using kink as a way to heighten passion and deepen trust and intimacy is one of my favorite things to teach couples who come to see me for sex coaching. Often when I use the word kink, people conjure up images of whips, chains and pain. But what’s kinky depends on you. For some people kinky might be a blindfold or being restrained to a chair with satin ties.

Sexual Trauma and PTSD

Sexual Trauma and PTSD keep painful memories from our past alive and present in our day to day lives. Hypnotherapy uses the power of your own mind to unlock the hold these memories have on you, by helping your brain process them in a gentle and effective way.

Positively Kinky

Like food, sexuality comes in all flavors. Kink, fetishes and BDSM all add dimension to our feasts, and add dishes to choose from on our erotic menu. But if you want to learn how to add variety to your sexual palate where do you begin?

Sex, Intimacy and Relationship Coaching vs Sex Therapy

Somatic Sex and Intimacy Coaching is a method of learning that is proving to be an invaluable cutting-edge modality in teaching us how to understand and enhance our sexual enjoyment and deepen our capacity for intimacy with our partners. I like to help clients understand the differences between sex coaching and sex therapy, so they can find the modality that can best serve their present needs.

“Working with Corinne was a deep opening and permission to fully explore all of myself with my partner…”

“Corinne is extremely knowledgeable, deeply approachable, warm and sensitive…”

 

“We learned to explore boundaries, deepen our communication and enhance the play we love so much…”

 

“You led me to some deep, important and brilliant insights that I would never have discovered on my own…”

 

” I am deeply appreciative of what you are doing for me by totally realigning my mindset on sex…”

 

“She is a guide, a mentor and a wise woman who’s purpose is to give permission to open up and explore sex and intimacy…”

 

“I would just like to finally say a heartfelt thank you for all that you’ve done for me and continue to do for others…”

“Corinne helped us understand how to work with our differences with better communication, empathy and listening to each other…” 

“This was the single most powerful healing activity I have ever engaged in. The benefits have endured and people who know me notice a positive change in my face and my attitude…”

Go to Top