By Corinne Farago
We’ve reached #6 of Your Erotic Menu’s six sexual styles. Over the past five weeks I’ve written about Sensual, Romance, Tantra, Passion, Fetish, and this week we’ll talk about the ever evolving landscape of Kink.
Every year BDSM, Kink and Fetish sexuality inch their way into the mainstream to take their rightful place in the beautiful tapestry of sexual expressions human beings are inextricably drawn to.
I prefer to view sexuality as a multi-dimensional experience that can incorporate all of these sexual styles, even sometimes within one erotic encounter.
To use a musical metaphor, you may be a concert cellist, but no matter how great you are at playing the cello, you sense that playing only one instrument limits your musical expression. By choosing to explore other instruments as well, you discover your ability to play music that is more multi-dimensional and far richer as a result.
By coming out of our collective cultural closet and growing beyond our judgments of what’s considered ‘normal’, we’re making room in our human orchestra for new dimensions of sound we can all dance to.
Below is a piece I wrote on Kink and how it can play a pivotal role in enhancing a couple’s intimacy and connection. If you want to learn how to introduce Kink into your relationship, I teach couples privately how to do just that in my course, Erotic Power Play for Curious Couples.
Exploring Kink to Strengthen Connection and Intimacy in Relationships
Wikipedia defines Kink as ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. We have all practiced, fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with ideas that create arousal in our bodies.
You don’t need to be excited by pain, bondage or humiliation to be kinky. You might prefer, foot worship or a sensual spanking or the smell of leather while blindfolded. Kink teaches you how to use your erotic mind to discover what turns you on. Couples who become sexual explorers together acknowledge and honor each other’s ongoing sexual evolution. They begin see their partners with fresh eyes and renewed appreciation.
Kink is physical, it’s psychological, its deep, it’s fun, it’s intense, it’s playful. It’s whatever you decide you want it to be. Most often it’s about relationship and the exchange of erotic power.
From a couple’s perspective the power exchange of Kink can deepen connection, heighten pleasure and in its most therapeutic purpose, heal our pain.
For instance, patterns and challenges within a relationship can be explored through role-play. Partners can agree to switch their dynamic to feel a different perspective. If one partner is always leading, they can feel what it’s like to follow. Likewise the partner who usually follows may find that leading introduces a welcome change to their usual erotic persona. Sometimes feelings that need expression can be processed through somatic (physical) experiencing rather than words. Explorations in Kink can open many doors that otherwise remain closed.
Power exchange teaches us to lead with grace, and follow with trust. Kink opens us to deeper intimacy with our partner, and most importantly it enables us to see each other with fresh eyes, creating the passion, the sexual polarity, and the erotic connection we long for.
Here are just 4 of the many ways kink teaches us about relationships and being a better lover to our partners:
1. Communication. The yes’s and no’s of consent conversations
One of the Kink communities highly praised attributes is communication. One of the first things you learn in kink classes is how to skillfully ‘negotiate a scene.’ Simply put, it means communicating with your partner about desires, expectations and limits.
Sitting down together and taking the time to negotiate a scene lets a couple relax, knowing their desires are expressed, and they can begin their encounter on the same page with clear agreements.
How much better would all of our sexual relationships be if we learned and practiced the communication skills it takes to negotiate a scene?
You have to talk about sex if you want better sex. And the more you do it, the more natural and fun it becomes.
Making plans, sharing fantasies, forming agreements, expressing desires, showing appreciation, asking for what we want. All of these things require words to be spoken out loud. The kink community puts a premium on the skills of communication and consent.
2. Novelty. It’s an inside job.
Novelty is one of the key factors in heightening our sexual passion, and more than loss of love, it is the desire for novelty that will lead most people into secret lives and casual sex outside of a relationship.
An illicit affair may be the most common approach to finding novelty, but we all know the consequences of secrets are far-reaching and emotionally damaging for all involved. But here’s what Kink teaches you; you don’t need to find a new partner to be with someone new.
Kink offers us the experience of novelty within our relationship by opening doorways into different aspects of ourselves.
We give each other permission to step out of our day-to-day personas and explore the less expressed sides of ourselves that our partners may rarely see.
A dominant partner may find pleasure in letting go of control. A submissive partner may discover their personal power by taking charge. We all share our collective archetypal personas that can add variety and dimension to an erotic encounter. These are the discoveries that create novelty, and lead us back to passion.
3. Education. Take each other back to school.
After learning to communicate your sexual thoughts and desires you may find interest in trying new things. This is where you start your journey as sexual explorers.
Wherever you have Internet access, kink education is available. Take your time to find education that appeals to your particular tastes. Seek out mentors and coaches who can guide you in your explorations and help you discover your own tapestry of erotic expressions.
You may find you share the same erotic tastes with your partner or you may not. That’s ok. The more you learn about Kink, the more skill you’ll gain in working with differences between you. It’s a journey, and like the beginning of any journey, if you’re open to new adventures you will learn about yourself and each other along the way. Accept your partner’s desires with an open mind. Judgment and shame can bring an abrupt end to honest sharing.
Make the commitment to embrace and support each other’s erotic growth. It’s the most valuable gift we can give our partner, and it comes from a secure and generous heart.
Before you learn about Japanese rope ties or what style of flogger to spend your money on, learn how to be safe and ethical in your interactions with others. Learn how to set and honor clear boundaries, how to stay mindful and present, how to respect your partner’s needs, and stay empathetic to their feelings.
Kink education teaches the foundations of how to be a better lover by first learning how to be a better human.
4. Play, like nobody’s watching (unless you’re into that kind of thing ;-)
The best way to stay young and maintain our commitment in relationship is to have fun together. “Play” is a word commonly used in the Kink community to describe engaging with another person. If you’re getting together with your partner for some Kinky ‘play’ you might refer to it as a ‘play date’.
Most of us rarely use the word play when it comes to adult activities other than sports or music. The word ‘play’ serves to remind us of the childlike enjoyment we can bring to our erotic lives.
Find ways to feel playful with each other. Think of making a play date with your partner. Plan your next sexual encounter from a playful perspective that you think might appeal to them. Remember, play and laughter are two of life’s great aphrodisiacs.
There are many ways to engage in the world of kink, whether you explore online, or keep it in the privacy of your bedroom, or you venture out to local events to meet others just like you.
Become explorers together and take yourselves back to school. Enjoy seeing your partner with fresh eyes, and learn to listen to their desires with great interest.
Talk about sex regularly with curiosity and an open heart, and bring a beginner’s mind to your erotic lives.
There’s an extensive list of Kinky activities in Your Erotic Menu (45 to be exact). Each one deserves an article of its own!
Schedule a Discovery Call with me, where we will talk about what you want to learn more about.
I also offer a 6-week private coaching package, Erotic Power Play for Curious Couples, where you’ll learn everything you need in order to integrate Kink into your unique relationship.
You’ll learn about:
- Sharing fantasies and desires
- The emotional components of getting Kinky together
- ‘Negotiating a scene’ so desires are clearly expressed and honored
- Consent, and the many ways to approach this conversation to keep everyone safe and understood.
- The physical vs the psychological aspects of play
- The 10 golden rules that will make you a knowledgeable and responsible play partner.
- Applying Kink to positively shift your sexual polarity and relationship dynamic.
- And more than I can mention here. You’ll learn how to apply all of this knowledge to your relationship and in doing so, usher in a new and refreshing dimension to your intimacy.
You can read all the books written on Kink, but the personal attention of private coaching is where the real transformation takes place.
Schedule a Discovery Call with me, and let’s talk about love, sex, and desire.
Stay well and love deeply,
Schedule your free discovery call and learn how relationship and intimacy coaching opens the door to better Love, Sex and Desire.
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Be sure to download my list of 186 erotic activities that I outline in my new e-book, Your Erotic Menu.
It may be the single most impactful step you take toward your sexual evolution. (I can confidently say, your dates nights will never be the same!)
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