I love my couples. They reach out for sex coaching, wanting to create a fulfilling sexual and intimate life. The number one obstacle to achieving their goals is sometimes an unhealthy relationship dynamic. For most of us, opening ourselves to sexuality with our partners requires trust, connection and a sense of emotional safety. If our relationships are being impacted by unhealthy dynamics that leave us triggered and harboring conscious or unconscious resentment, sexuality will be impacted or, at worst no longer exist.
Sex is probably one of the hardest things to talk about with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner is going to hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to talk about the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that keeps you both feeling heard and understood.
“This is not what I signed up for, when we got together five years ago.” These words from a past client, ring in my head now and then, when I think about couples who are dissatisfied with their sex lives. You can feel in this sentiment, the utter frustration he felt when it came to his unmet expectations. Over those five years, something changed, or more than likely, was ignored in the excitement of a new relationship.
Most of the clients I see in my coaching practice share a common dilemma… They’re lacking sexual self-confidence. Life and circumstances have taken a toll on their confidence in themselves as lovers, and without that foundation of security, taking steps toward a better sex life, seems daunting and doubtful.
Sexual desire is born out of a sense of safety. The safety felt with a trusted lover, the safety that our bodies will be honored, the safety knowing that sex is for pleasure and intimacy. There is no safety if sexual intercourse has the potential to irrevocably alter a woman’s life. There is no safety if a woman’s right to choose to conceive a baby or not, is stripped from her.