My first invaluable lesson in romantic self-confidence came from a long-standing infatuation with a 5th grader named Paul. From grades 2-5, I prayed Paul would be in my homeroom class, and maybe, just maybe, he’d notice me. I’d coyly walk by him in the playground, stealing glances of him from across the monkey bars. I’d stand near him in gym class and, of course, I wrote about him in my diary.
Consider these two statements: Men don’t want to talk about their feelings. Women don’t want to talk about sex. What an interesting conundrum. Let’s look at how this might play out.
Feeling desired is often the part of our sexual experience that gets lost in long-term relationships. We can become better lovers, more sensitive listeners, more generous givers, even more desirous lovers ourselves, but if we’re not feeling desired, that missing piece can leave a painful void in our sexual experience. Let’s acknowledge that we all have a deep need to feel desired.
In last week’s blog, Initiating Sex (part 1) you read about why it’s important to master the art of initiation. I use the term art, because with seduction and initiation there is no formula to apply, no one-size fits all script to use. In part 1 we learned that the secret is good communications. I now want to give you some insights that might help you hear ‘yes’, more often than ‘no’.
Initiating sex with our partner is a mixed bag for couples. It comes with ease for some, where just a look or an innuendo sets things in motion, but for most couples initiation is laden with a dynamic that create feelings of frustration, misunderstanding and resentment.
We’re together with our partner day in and day out. Each week looks the same as the last. The passing scenery isn’t changing. We’re not even sure of our destination anymore. We’re just going along, without having much impact on how the trip is progressing. We’ve become passive passengers in our relationship, cruising in automatic.
When I hear a woman make such a resounding statement as ‘I’m done with sex’, I imagine a long road of frustration, obligation, unmet desires and unspoken words, leading up to that absolute declaration. Sex is not about obligation, although women have been told it was their obligation for eons of time. Relatively speaking, it wasn’t all that long ago that women were considered the property of a man, and their role in life was having a family and pleasing her husband. (and in many parts of the world still are).
How many people have you been naughty with over the past week? We don’t have a whole lot of people we can be naughty with. Being naughty is reserved for a very limited few. For most of us it probably boils down to one. Your intimate partner is the one person you have the freedom to be naughty with.
Wikipedia defines Kink as ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. We have all practiced, fantasized or secretly desired what may be considered ‘unconventional’ sexual practices. It’s the beautiful nature of our erotic minds to engage with ideas that create arousal in our bodies.
Fetish sexuality is worth a post of it’s own. It’s a fascinating subsection of kink that will often have its roots in early life experiences that, for one reason or another, have been eroticized, and therefore inextricably embedded in our sexual brains. Fetishes can range from an enjoyable distraction, to a necessary ingredient of our sexual fulfillment.
