Our lives are filled with rituals we inherited from our upbringing as well as rituals we’ve created that are unique to our own lives. Even the most mundane daily activities, like sharing a morning coffee or lighting a candle at dinner, can be elevated to a ritual by empowering the purpose of that activity and bringing meaning to our actions. What rituals do we honor in our relationships that bring meaning and purpose to our actions? The answer to that question is unique to each couple.

We are, walking, talking memory machines. We draw information from old memories and apply it to our present-day decisions. Every pleasure we’re drawn to, every pain we avoid, every relationship dynamic or conflict is drawing from these memories to guide us in how we react to experiences, physically and emotionally, in the present moment. Interestingly, the memories that most impact our adult emotional state took place long ago, when challenging childhood experiences began to form our strategies for surviving in a dangerous world.

Tantra/Slow Sex is an antidote to porn-driven sexual style so often represented in adult entertainment. Making love in the Tantric way means to be fully present with your sex partner. It asks us to bring our full attention to each moment. In Tantric lovemaking, there is no goal to be reached, and no race toward orgasm. Instead, there is complete attention to each touch, each breath and each sensation. The ancient practice of Tantra is in many respects the foundation of what we now commonly refer to as mindfulness. Tantric love-making is mindful sex.

We learned very young how to deflect, defend, and deny in order to save us from perceived danger. It all made sense at the time, but now as adults in relationships, that same defensiveness shuts down constructive communication with a defended word, or even just a look. As adults in relationships our defensiveness is just as transparent as our younger selves. Our vocabulary may have grown but the strategy is still pretty simple. Deflect and defend from attack.

One of the fundamental requirements of building intimacy in a relationship is safety. We want the feeling that our partner has our back, understands and supports us, and wants the best for us. When a couple allows criticism to seep into their communication, they have become domesticated adversaries. They are either bracing themselves for the next painful exchange, or they’re healing from yesterday’s wounds.

Contempt is perhaps the most destructive of all relationship behaviors. When we treat our partners with contempt, we are sending a clear message that we do not value or respect them. This can have devastating effects on the health and longevity of a relationship. Contempt can take many forms, from name-calling and insults to sarcasm and eye-rolling. It often arises when we feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed with our partner. Instead of addressing the issue in a healthy and productive way, we allow our emotions to get the better of us, and we lash out with contemptuous behaviors.

The term ‘stonewalling’ conjures up an apt metaphor of the act itself. You can imagine one partner silently, building a wall, one stone at a time, to keep the other out. After a while the wall is so high, neither partner can see over it or through it. Stonewalling is a form of emotional and physical withdrawal in which one partner in a relationship refuses to engage or communicate with the other partner in the midst of disagreements or conflict.

There are so many meaningful ways to honor your relationship on Valentine’s Day. If you need some help finding creative ways to show your appreciation, below, you’ll find a longer than average list of 50 possibilities to inspire your imagination, and infuse your V-Day with intention, imagination and open-hearted enjoyment. Choose the one you think will delight your partner, and then make it happen!

Every relationship involves some level of conflict. It’s natural for two individuals to have differing perspectives and disagree on occasion. The key to healthy conflict isn’t armoring yourself for a battle, it’s placing your armor down and getting vulnerable. That may sound very counter intuitive, but it’s the quickest and most direct route out of the confrontation. Vulnerability is the path that leads you out of the battleground.