Did you know that the most common sexual fantasies for Republicans are infidelity and orgies, while Democrats most enjoy BDSM fantasies? And yes, I voted for Biden. I’ve been enjoying, Kinsey Research Fellow, Justin Lehmiller’s latest book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. I’m enjoying it probably because I agree with most of what he says. Funny how that work.
Sex can invite us to be light and playful, and it can be intense and psychological. Sex can open our hearts to romance, or unite us in spirit. Sex can heal us of our pain, and introduce us to new-found pleasures. Sex can lead us into the deeper and more shadowy feelings that lie under the surface, waiting to be revealed.
I coach women of all ages and cultures who have expressed their reluctance to include sex toys in their intimate time with a partner. They either suspect, or have been told that their male partner is worried that a good vibrator will replace them in the bedroom.
My female cousin was a primary contributor to my early sex education, when I needed it most. For instance she clarified that I couldn’t get pregnant by dancing with a boy, no matter how close we got. She also confirmed that I wasn’t the only person who touched themselves (down there), and most importantly, she showed me that ‘wellness massagers from Sears were used for things other than sore necks and shoulders. A few years later my boyfriend introduced me to the real deal. A vibrator made specifically for genital arousal. It was a cream colored, hard plastic, shapeless cylinder with a twisting on/off switch at the end.
It's hard to believe we've only had iPhones in our lives since 2007. Prior to that if couples wanted to ignore each other they hid behind newspapers. The cliché of the man, sitting at the dinner table with a newspaper up to his face has been replaced with the couple sitting in a restaurant scrolling their cell phones. If you’re using your phone as a way to avoid human intimacy, connection and conversation, then it doesn’t matter what you’re hiding behind, you’re still hiding.
My first invaluable lesson in romantic self-confidence came from a long-standing infatuation with a 5th grader named Paul. From grades 2-5, I prayed Paul would be in my homeroom class, and maybe, just maybe, he’d notice me. I’d coyly walk by him in the playground, stealing glances of him from across the monkey bars. I’d stand near him in gym class and, of course, I wrote about him in my diary.
Consider these two statements: Men don’t want to talk about their feelings. Women don’t want to talk about sex. What an interesting conundrum. Let’s look at how this might play out.
Feeling desired is often the part of our sexual experience that gets lost in long-term relationships. We can become better lovers, more sensitive listeners, more generous givers, even more desirous lovers ourselves, but if we’re not feeling desired, that missing piece can leave a painful void in our sexual experience. Let’s acknowledge that we all have a deep need to feel desired.
In last week’s blog, Initiating Sex (part 1) you read about why it’s important to master the art of initiation. I use the term art, because with seduction and initiation there is no formula to apply, no one-size fits all script to use. In part 1 we learned that the secret is good communications. I now want to give you some insights that might help you hear ‘yes’, more often than ‘no’.
Initiating sex with our partner is a mixed bag for couples. It comes with ease for some, where just a look or an innuendo sets things in motion, but for most couples initiation is laden with a dynamic that create feelings of frustration, misunderstanding and resentment.
