Thoughts on Sexual Savoring
Slowing down, for pleasure’s sake
By Corinne Farago
There are places on my daily walk where I pick a small lavender bud to crush in my hands and inhale its calming fragrance. I pass a running creek that sparkles in the sun. I see dogs of all kinds doing their own present-moment practice, I see white clouds appearing and disappearing, and vibrant colors in changing leaves.
If I’m aware enough to notice these opportunities to slow down and and see what’s in front of me, I take a breath and remind myself to ‘savor’.
Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to be with what ‘is’.
Savoring brings an additional layer of experience with it. It brings a depth of noticing that is filled with feelings of gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.
We all have our moments where we fully receive the gift of what is there to be savored, knowing that every moment is fleeting, and therefore precious.
When I’m savoring something, I imagine breathing it in completely, even combining with it, like I’m squeezing out every ounce of pleasure from the experience.
Here are some savoring memories that come to mind. Standing in front of a brilliant sunset, immersing my nose in a bouquet of flowers, kissing a baby’s belly, embracing a 2000 year old Redwood tree, cuddling up to a warm body, feeling pride in myself and others. I can close my eyes and savor the memory of savoring.
Sexual savoring is the same as raising a rose to your nose and breathing deeply.
Sexual savoring is slowing down and noticing what’s happening that is worthy of appreciation. As I say to my clients, even in moments when our needs aren’t being perfectly met, there is almost always something worth savoring.
By slowing down we’re bringing into focus what’s happening that is worthy of savoring. We’re mining for the gold threads that are weaving through that brief moment of time.
Sexual savoring is a mindset. It’s a decision we make, and an action we take.
Savoring takes us out of our heads and into our present moment senses.
The curve of your lover’s hip, their voice in your ear, the beating of their heart, their laughter, their silence, the physical pleasure of sensations and the excitement of building arousal.
So many small moments are worthy of stopping, noticing and savoring, before it’s gone and replaced by the next moment.
We’re mining for the threads of gold that run through a rock. We’re holding it up to the sun and seeing what’s there to savor in any moment.
When we feel the pleasure of someone’s finger lightly traveling down our spine, we can allow ourselves to savor the experience. When we’re breathing in the scent of our partner’s skin, we can connect to the pure pleasure of that breath. When we feel desire arise with a willing partner, we can remind ourselves to savor that moment and mark it in our memory as something precious and worth remembering.
Savoring and taking pleasure in each moment of intimate connecting is foundational to being a good lover to your partner.
Lovers who know how to savor are fully embodied in their sexual experience. They’re present and attuned to the moment. They’re not looking to get somewhere other than where they are. They’re connected to their desire and appreciation, and their partner’s can feel it.
Welcoming our own pleasure and savoring isn’t easy for everyone. Savoring may feel contrary to the messages we’ve told ourselves. Messages like ‘I’m not worthy of sexual pleasure, ‘I need to focus on my partner’s pleasure more than my own’, ‘If I can’t have the kind of sex life I want, then there’s nothing in it for me’, I’m too distracted by more important things to fully enjoy myself,’
Allowing ourselves to take pleasure and savor an experience labels that memory as positive. It supports our ability to, in Joseph Campbell’s words, ‘follow our bliss’ and notice where it wants to lead us.
If you accept the idea that every moment offers something to savor, then sex becomes a string of moments where you can choose to mine for the gold imbedded in the experience.
Savoring may not solve all our sexual challenges, just like smelling a lavender bud doesn’t solve all of life’s challenges, but it brings our focus to what is happening.
It welcomes in all the pleasure to be found, and it empowers us to follow our own bliss.
Next time you’re having sex (partnered or solo), slow down, for pleasure’s sake, and remember to ‘savor’.
Look for your pleasure in the present moment, like threads of gold in a rock. Follow that golden path and savor every step of the way.
“Thank you Corinne once again for your coaching work with us. It’s a milestone in our sexual life together. After 6 weeks of talking and practicing new ways of making love, we feel calm, present and free of all the tensions that kept sex emotionally charged for both of us.
We’re just starting, but sex now feels like a continuous exploration. Every new door we open teaches us more about each other’s needs and desires. We have a deeper appreciation of each other in our daily encounters. We both feel like we’ve started a new chapter in our life together.”
Sad to ecstatic, Gene – Kansas City
If you need guidance in how to create deeper intimacy, a fulfilling sex life, and a connected relationship, contact me here for private coaching programs that are designed to meet your desires and goals.
You can set up your free 15 minute Discovery Call with me here to learn more about working with me as your personal sex and intimacy coach.
Stay well and love deeply,
Sometimes we all need a little help with love, sex, and desire…
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Stay well and love deeply,
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