By Corinne Farago
In last week’s blog, The Art of Initiation (part 1) you read about why it’s important to master the art of initiation. I use the term art, because with seduction and initiation there is no formula to apply, no one-size fits all script to use.
In part 1 we learned the importance of understanding our partner’s experience and why communication matters.
Mastering sexual initiation requires an understanding of desire, attunement, communication, confidence and yes, disappointment.
Let’s look at how these elements play a role in your sexual initiation as a couple.
Start with your own desire
If we’re inviting our partner to have sex with us, we want them to feel our authentic desire. If we want our lover to say yes to sex, we want to be saying yes to sex ourselves first.
If we’re in touch with our own desire, it shows, and our partner can feel it.
Before you approach your partner, take some time to connect to your body, breath all the way down into your genitals, and start to feel what’s going on below the neck.
Let yourself imagine what it would be like to lie naked next to your lover. Give yourself time to connect to your own desire before asking them to show their’s.
When your initiation comes from your own desire, your partner will see it in the softening of your gaze, the deepening of your breath, the feel of your touch and the sound of your voice.
When you’re connected to your desire, you’re inviting your lover to connect to their own desire. You’re not just guiding them into an activity, you’re guiding them into a state of receptivity.
You’re inviting them into a space of desire and intimacy that you’re already occupying, by opening the door and saying, “come on in, and join me in here”.
Attune to your partner
Now that you’ve connected to your own desire, begin to attune to your partner. Put your phone down, close your laptop, and start to put your attention on your partner.
Offer them some non-sexual touch, to guide them out of their heads and into their bodies. Give them time to feel your invitation and connect to their own desire. Sex starts here, with intimate touch and emotional connection.
Step into Confidence
If you’re initiating, don’t be afraid to take charge. If you’re hesitant, nervous about being rejected, or feeling timid in being seen in your desire, your partner has no lead to follow.
Initiation is where you begin to build sexual polarity and passion. Step up, take the lead, and guide your partner onto the dance floor with confidence.
Your partner wants to trust that you have the skill to give them pleasure, and the passion to carry that confident energy throughout your sexual encounter.
Confidence comes from within you. Whether you’re a woman or a man, initiation requires you to assert yourself and take the risk that you may not get what you want. We all know what it’s like to step up in other parts of our lives. Stepping up to initiate sex is no different.
Be direct. Asking for what we want isn’t making a demand. It’s having the courage to share and show our desire.
Being vague, beating around the bush, can come off as wishy-washy. Seduction isn’t wishy-washy, it’s clear, it’s direct, and it’s confident.
Initiation doesn’t always have to fall on the shoulders of the dominant partner. The submissive partner can initiate as well. Their invitation may have a different flavor, to maintain sexual polarity, but their desire can be expressed just as openly and directly.
Most dominant partner’s love to feel desired and pursued by their partner. It’s an experience they rarely get and often deeply long for.
Make a date
If spontaneous sex rarely happens, or if you’ve gotten into a pattern of an emotionally disengaged quickie before sleeping, I encourage couples to plan for sex, and give it the attention it deserves.
Set a day and time when you both know that you’ll have the energy, you’ll have the privacy, and you’ll have the intention to make sex happen.
I know for some, planned sex sounds boring, but what’s boring is ongoing failed attempts to initiate, because of all the excuses we can find to not have sex in any moment.
Make a date with your partner for Saturday afternoon at 4, for example. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Let that plan percolate for a few days. Enjoy the anticipation. As you move through your week, you both know that Saturday at 4 is dedicated to intimacy.
When both of you put intimacy on the top of your priority list, you’re showing each other that your relationship matters. When you show up on Saturday at 4, relaxed and ready to be together, you’re showing your partner that intimacy matters; that they matter.
Expand Your Erotic Menu
Once you accept that planned sex may be worth exploring, you have the added option of planning how you’re going to be spending your upcoming time together.
As an initiator, introduce your partner to Your Erotic Menu communication exercise for couples, and start to get to know each other’s erotic mind a little better.
Building your erotic menus together opens the door to novelty and variety, the two favorite spices that couples seek out to enliven their sex lives.
Talk about the energy behind the 6 sexual styles represented in Your Erotic Menu, and what energy you want to bring into your upcoming date.
If you’re the one to initiate, assure your partner that you’re going to take charge of creating the environment to support the energy you want to share, whether that’s romantic or kinky, the environment, the toys, the music, the lighting, all combine to create the mood you’re both wanting.
Get good at communicating about sex
If your partner is not fully on board with your initiation, rather than with-drawing your energy and falling into an internal negative story about your partner or your desirability, get curious.
Get curious and inquire into what might be holding them back from being a ‘yes’.
They may not even know at first, so ask them, “Is there’s anything that needs to change that would help you say yes to spending some intimate time together.
Reasons to not have sex can range from emotional blocks to practical needs:
- I’m too tired, I need to sleep
- I feel full and lethargic after that big meal
- I’m worried about a family member
- I have residual feelings about last night’s argument
- The room’s not warm enough, the light’s too bright
- I feel scattered and distracted
All of these reasons are valid, and they’re all solvable with some communication and action. When we understand that a ‘no’, may just mean, ‘not under these current conditions’, we can help our partner find what they need in order to open themselves to intimacy.
Hesitancy and resistance can be misinterpreted as a hard ‘no’. Don’t assume your partner is a no, unless it’s clearly stated. If their ‘no’ is clearly stated, accept their decision without emotionally disconnecting. If you feel there’s a conversation that needs to happen initiate that instead, when the time is right.
If one or both of you suspect that excuses are being used to avoid tougher challenges like a general lack of desire or a loss of attraction etc., coaching can help facilitate those conversations so you can move beyond the blocks that are currently in place.
Learning to handle disappointment when your partner says no to your invitation is the most important lesson of initiating. I know that may sound self-defeating, but disappointment is going to happen. It’s a guarantee. You’re in a relationship with another human being, who has their own thoughts and feelings.
How you handle disappointment is going to set the tone for your entire sexual dynamic. If your pattern is to withdraw, get moody, lash out, then you’re punishing your partner for saying no. If your partner expects to be emotionally punished for saying no, then you’re linking sex to a negative experience.
Using emotional punishment against your partner only encourages your partner to feel obliged to have sex to avoid negative emotions. Obligatory sex is not a turn-on for either partner.
You can turn this around by stepping out of the emotional patterns that trigger each other when an initiation is rejected. As I said last week in The Art of Initiation (Part 1), stop doing what’s not working and start to incorporate a more egalitarian approach to sex and intimacy.
- Incorporate planned dates in your life together, and let go of the myth that sex is supposed to just happen spontaneously with the same passion and focus as when you first got together
- Connect to, and show your own desire
- Attune to your partner, and assess how to support what they need to open to intimacy
- Communicate openly and honestly about both of your desires
- Find your inner confidence and step into a leadership role
- Disappointments will happen, stay connected to your partner, even during disappointment, and use good communication skills to move through it together
Sexual initiation, in a long-term relationship, is not a formula
You and your partner are unique. Your relationship is unique.
If you haven’t read last week’s blog, The Art of Initiation (Part 1), I go into why it’s important to understand your partner’s experience when it comes to initiation.
Next week, I’ll share more about the secrets of arousal, and why you and your partner may be traveling down two completely different roads to get there.
Book a Discovery Call with me, and we’ll talk about how to master The Art of Initiation.
Stay well and love deeply,
Be sure to download my list of 186 erotic activities that I outline in my new e-book, Your Erotic Menu.
It may be the single most impactful step you take toward your sexual evolution. (I can confidently say, your dates nights will never be the same!)
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