The Wisdom of Slow Sex: I Want a Man With a Slow Hand
The Wisdom of Slow Sex
I Want a Man With a Slow Hand (pt 2)
By Corinne Farago
I wanted to share with you an email I sent out this week.
It was about a song that I just can’t get out of my head, so I’m going to go into this subject a little more deeply in this blog:
I heard this Pointer Sister’s song on Pandora a few days ago and can’t get it out of my head.
“I want a man with a slow hand I want a lover with an easy touch I want somebody who will spend some time Not come and go in a heated rush I want somebody who will understand When it comes to love, I want a slow hand”
This was written by a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it.
She wants a man who is going to take his time so she can relax and not feel rushed.
She wants a slow hand, so her body can warm up and become fully aroused.
She wants to be ready to receive her lover into her body easily and without discomfort.
And she knows what she needs for that to happen.
We’re all raised on media depicting frantic lovers, tearing their clothes off as fast as they can so they get to intercourse as quickly as possible and have an orgasm.
Wham, bam, and it’s over.
If you asked the woman in that scene if that was good for her, she’d probably say she didn’t have an orgasm and overall, it happened too fast to really feel much of anything.
She may also confess that her moans were more for her partner’s pleasure because she wasn’t fully in her body enough to connect to her own physical desire yet. It was probably over before her genitals knew what was happening.
If you learned how to have hot sex by watching movies or porn, your sex education is lacking the wisdom of slowing down and guiding your lover’s body into an open, receptive, and pleasurable state.
Slowing down with your lover is not just about reducing speed, it’s about gaining awareness.
When we slow anything down, from eating to breathing to sexing, we notice how much more information is coming to us about what’s happening in the moment. Slowing down isn’t always an easy thing to do. Sometimes it requires real effort to slow down.
Allow me to make a quick segue to illustrate my point:
The first time I visited the Burning Man festival, we arrived after dark and Black Rock City was in full throttle with music, lights, bikes, people all moving in every direction as far as you could see. My senses were on overload.
There were signs along the road every few yards indicating the very strict 5mph speed limit. After so many hours of traveling at 60mph it was hard to drive for a mile or two at such a snail’s pace. I found myself unconsciously speeding up and having to slow down over and over again.
But the slower I went the more I saw of this amazing environment we were driving into. Once I got used to moving so slowly, I started noticing where I was and what I was traveling through.
All my senses were engaged in what was happening around me. By the end of the week seeing a vehicle traveling 10 miles an hour seemed dangerously fast.
I had found a new normal. We can find our new-normal speed when it comes to sex and sensuality.
Slowing down during sex connects us to a lot of information that we’d otherwise be missing.
What’s happening in our body? What is our body telling us? Is it feeling tense or relaxed?
If we’re losing our erection or penetration is painful, slowing down will help us attune to what we’re needing.
What thoughts are going through our head?
Are we having an anxious inner dialogue that is undermining our pleasure?
Are we picking up on our partner’s signals that indicate what they might be needing to increase their enjoyment or feel more connected to us?
Are we actually feeling our receptivity or noticing our resistance?
Are we feeling each sensation our body is experiencing or are we driving 60 miles an hour toward our orgasm?
By simply slowing down, all this information will be more available to you, and your partner will notice how present in the moment you’ve suddenly become. If you’re the one taking the lead in your sexual connection, you can be the one to set the pace.
Tell your partner you want to slow things down and savor each moment like you would if you were eating a delicious meal at a Michelin Star restaurant.
The next time you’re spending some intimate time with a lover, set the pace by starting to take some deep breaths and begin to connect to your body. If you’re not sure how to do that let me lead you through a simple embodiment practice.
You can do this embodiment practice right now:
➣ Stand up and start to shake your body. Shake it vigorously all over including your head, arms, hips and legs. Shake all over for 60 seconds without stopping.
➣ Now close your eyes. (be careful to not lose your balance).
➣ Notice how you just completely changed your state within a minute of engaging with your body and moving some energy.
➣ Feel the vibration of peacefulness now that you’re still. Notice your heart beating in your chest. You can even feel the blood coursing through your veins.
➣ Scan your body for any tension. Starting from your toes and moving upward, slowly bring your attention to each part of your body. Go slow enough to notice all the tiny muscles under the larger ones that may be holding tension, and then let them relax.
➣ Once you’ve reached the top of your head, face and scalp, find a place in your body where you feel centered and grounded in your energy.
For some that might be their pelvis or belly. For others, their heart and chest area.
➣ Breath deeply into that place and feel the difference in your connection to what is happening below your neck, now that you’ve taken a moment to scan for tension and then relax.
➣ Find that centered peaceful place in your body and return to that place anytime you’re feeling anxious or stuck in your head.
And the next time you’re with your partner, return to that centered place and breathe fully. Then whatever you’re doing together, slow it down. And then slow it down even more! And then even more than that. ☺
Notice what changed in your sensations, your connection to your partner and your awareness of the present moment.
Being embodied and slowing down is the foundation to whatever kind of sex you’re having, from Tantra to kink to vanilla sex. Sexual sensation happens in your body, so slow down enough to get into your body.
There are many beautiful exercises and practices to explore within the world of slow sex that can be applied to solo sex or partner sex.
If you’d like to learn more about all matters related to love, sex and desire, I’m happy to speak to you on a free Discover Call to answer your questions about sexual empowerment and relationship coaching.
You may not identify with having sexual shame. You may be quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising. You may support honest and truthful sex education, and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. The shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs. Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestor’s sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients.
Teri and John (we’ll call them) came to see me a few months ago. They described their 15 year relationship as compatible and loving, except when it came to sex and intimacy, neither of which they were able to figure out how to change for the better. They reached a point where they could see three roads ahead of them...
You may think that having a threesome would be exciting, but the truth is, you’re already in a threesome. There’s you, your partner, and your relationship.
When we begin to view our relationship as the 3rd in our threesome, it’s easier to see how we are either feeding it with attention and nurturing care, or we’re literally ignoring it to death.
Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to
be with what ‘is’.
Savoring brings an additional layer of experience with it. It brings a depth of noticing that is filled with feelings of gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.