Reviews on New Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner
By Corinne Farago
Last week I shared my new communication tool, Your Erotic Menu with my readers. (you can download it on my homepage: www.lovesexanddesire.com)
With a list of 186 erotic activities and guided questions, Your Erotic Menu makes talking about sex a whole lot easier.
Here is some of the feedback I’ve had from readers who felt moved enough to write to me about it.
“I’ve been wanting to broach the subject of sex with my partner for a very long time. Every time we’ve tried, it’s ended badly. We start off being open to hearing the other’s point of view but pretty soon, we’re feeling hurt and withdrawn.
When I showed her Your Erotic Menu, it was a completely different experience. It felt like wiping the slate clean and starting the conversation from a lighter place. Rather than blaming each other about what wasn’t happening, we talked about what we did want to happen.
It was the best conversation we’ve had about sex in years.”
Talk To Me, Baby
If you’ve been dealing with sexual challenges in a long-term relationship, talking about sex may be full of blame, guilt, regret, embarrassment, and a whole host of other emotions that have built up over the years.
If your partner suggests sitting down to talk about your sex life, your first reaction may be to brace yourself for the inevitable bad feelings that will come out of that talk.
If it usually starts with a complaint on someone’s part and ends with good intentions or promises that never come to fruition, it’s no wonder that the subject of sex often gets swept under the carpet for years, and we end up coping with a less than satisfying sexual life.
That’s why coaching can be the solution to this kind of tension. Coaching creates a safe space for both people to speak honestly, even if it becomes challenging. A coach guides you through these rocky waters until both people feel heard. At this point, the conversation can begin to get productive and interesting.
What does sex mean to a couple? What do they want out of sex? How do they find their pleasure in sex and express their connection through sex?
I designed Your Erotic Menu to guide you through this conversation in a way that bypasses the blame game and supports curiosity and exploration.
Starting to talk about sex is the first step in getting what you want, and giving your partner what they want.
“My partner and I stopped having sex a year ago after his affair. I know it’s hard for me to trust again. When I read Your Erotic Menu and saw the list of activities, my heart sank at how far away we were from having the kind of sex life we both wanted in the beginning of our relationship.
Based on your recommendation, we focused on the Sensual and Romantic categories of the list as a place to start. It was actually exactly what we needed to begin to share our feelings about sex again.
We both found activities that will help us feel connected, and plan on starting with baby steps to get back to a life of intimacy and trust again.
Thank you for giving us a tool to build our new erotic menu at our own pace.”
Intimacy: First Things First
Even though there are 186 erotic activities in Your Erotic Menu, don’t get overwhelmed. Just know that there’s something for you in that long list that speaks to your unique needs and desires today.
If you’re starting your journey back to sexual connection, or you’re relatively new to sex, you may want to focus on more sensual, romantic activities to build trust and find a heart-felt connection with your partner.
Intimacy is the foundation for any sexual play. Without it, you’re left with just body parts looking for release. Whether you’ve been together for 20 years or you just met last night, intimacy is the name of this game. Otherwise you’re playing in the minor leagues. 😉
Start from where you are and build trust and intimacy through sensual, romantic, tantric activities that speak to your heart.
“I’ve been putting off talking to my partner about my “fetishes” for years.
I kept waiting for the right moment, but was too afraid of what he’d think. I don’t want to be one of those people who hide their whole lives behind their fears. When I asked him to sit down to do Your Erotic Menu exercises with me, I checked off one of my fetishes and waited to see what he’d say.
It turned out he checked the same fetish as a fantasy, and it started a whole conversation about it. I finally felt brave enough to tell him what I wanted.
That was a giant step for me toward living, what you call :”an authentic sexual life.”
Taking the Leap
This kind of heart pounding experience can be scary enough to keep us stuck in silence. Silence leads to secrets and secrets undermine intimacy.
How do we let our partners into our most vulnerable places and trust that they will hold that information with care?
You start by making an iron clad spoken agreement that no matter what, you will both respect the confidentiality of your shared confessions. That means no matter how angry you might become with each other or even if the relationship ends, your agreement stands. You never use sexuality as a tool to hurt each other. Period!
You won’t truly know your partner sexually until you lay the foundation of trust and acceptance.
“I’ve never thought much about the feeling component of my sexual life. But when I started to consider what kind of feelings I was looking for in sex it always comes back to the same thing. Feeling special, feeling really desired, feeling like a Queen who could ask for anything I wanted. If I wasn’t feeling those things, I’d lose interest in sex and get bored.
Now my partner understands that I’m not rejecting him; I’m just wanting to feel something. If he can help me feel those things then I’m up for sex.
It felt like a whole new perspective that was workable, rather than some sort of massive, unsolvable problem.”
Feelings: From Your Head to Your Toes
One of the most important steps in doing this communication exercise with your partner is spending time with Your Erotic Menu on your own first, before you share your lists. Consider not just your desired activities but also what attracts you to those activities. What feelings would you like those activities to give you. After all, sex isn’t just physical. It’s psychological, it’s spiritual, it’s emotional.
Attributing a feeling to an erotic activity may be something you’ve never done before. Frankly, it’s a bit of a light bulb moment for many people, especially when we see that feelings during sex can expand outside of the obvious feeling of being loved and cared for.
We may want to explore a range of feelings that give expression to our more shadowy sides. Sex is far more complex than hearts and flowers, and our erotic minds offer vast landscapes to explore should we want to embark on that inner journey.
Your Erotic Menu has 73 feelings you could potentially want to feel during erotic play. Take your time and see what rings true for you.
Your Erotic Menu communication exercise is just the beginning.
Toys and techniques may pave the way to new experiences, but the real gold is found in the realms of trust, polarity, and authenticity. This is the kind of exploration you can’t find in a book.
If you want to use this erotic communication exercise to truly transform your relationship and expand your erotic menu, set up a free 15 minute Discovery Call with me here to learn more about working with me as your personal sex and intimacy coach.
Stay well and love deeply,
Sometimes we all need a little help with love, sex, and desire…
I work with clients online or by phone from all over the world.
If you’d like to speak for 15 mins to say hello and discuss the details of working together to give you the love, sex and desire you long for, set up your call here:
Most people will understand an ‘erotic menu’ to mean the activities they engage in during sex. But if I ask a client what’s on their erotic menu, they’ll often look perplexed. They’ll start with intercourse, kissing, touching, oral sex but, after these more obvious activities, they realize their list is pretty short actually.
“I mean, how many things can two people do during sex? Was what someone said to me a few weeks ago.
This week a client told me she was doing a Marie Kondo on her closet. She was getting rid of what no longer gave her joy.
We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner and the nagging resistance she has to being touched.
Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil and she’d shut down.
If you’re in a relationship with another human, disagreements will happen. It’s a given. No matter how much we love someone, you can’t avoid differing opinions and heated discussions.
The secret to a happy relationship is how you navigate these disagreements and move through them to a feeling of resolution. This doesn’t mean finding a solution, it means getting to the point where you both feel heard and empathized with.
In the end we all need to feel respected, even in the midst of disagreements.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed a communication model called Non-Violent Communication.
When I first saw Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues in 1996, One of the monologues stood out to me. It was a woman’s account of being with a man named Bob. This is some of what she wrote.
“…Turned out that Bob loved vaginas..."