Do You Like Me?

Lessons on building self-confidence, from my 11 year old self 

By Corinne Farago

 

My first invaluable lesson in romantic self-confidence came from a long-standing infatuation with a 5th grader named Paul.

From grades 2-5, I prayed Paul would be in my homeroom class, and maybe, just maybe, he’d notice me. I’d coyly walk by him in the playground, stealing glances of him from across the monkey bars. I’d stand near him in gym class and, of course, I wrote about him in my diary.

I did what every little girl was taught to do when you like a boy, which was nothing. I passively waited 4 years, for a boy to notice me.

Until, one day I made the decision to take decisive action. I decided to break the unspoken rule of girl/boy etiquette, and called him at home in the evening. With a pounding heart and a shaky voice, I asked him point blank, with no preamble, if he liked me. It was the most honest, obvious question I could think of.

“Yes, I like you” Paul said. That was all I needed to hear. “Thanks” I said, “I like you too.” And then hung up the phone, without saying goodbye.

It felt like a bold and dangerous move. I did it! I went to bed that night with a new sense of confidence, swooning in the confirmation that Paul liked me, and now he knew that I like him. I felt powerful and proud of myself for overcoming my shyness. It was a triumphant, albeit, short-lived celebration.

The next day at school, I was outed by Paul in front of the whole class during ‘Show and Tell’.  

Paul proudly stood up with something to tell. “Last night Corinne called me at home and asked me if I liked her. I said no.”

Not only did Paul publicly betray my vulnerable heart, but he lied about his answer to my question.

From a 5th grader’s perspective, the universe came crashing down around me.

My head flushed with blood, and I stared at the floor trying to avoid the eye contact of snickering classmates.

I got up from my desk and ran home, sobbing to my mother that I would never return to school ever again. 

Within 12 hours I’d experienced my greatest high of romantic self-confidence, as well as my lowest low of public shame.

I did go back to school the next day, and no one mentioned it. I tore out all references of Paul from my diary, and told myself that boys were never to be trusted with vulnerable confessions.

I got on with my life, and what was to become, a long trail of romantic triumphs and defeats, all in the name of love.

Thank you Paul, wherever you are. You broke my 11 –year-old heart, but you helped teach me 6 lessons about romantic self-confidence that I’ll never forget.

 

1 – Stepping out of my comfort zone to ask for what I want, built my confidence and self-esteem.

If we don’t advocate for what we want, why would we expect anyone to know what we want? We bring our self-esteem with us, wherever we go. If you struggle feeling deserving of pleasure, or feeling worthy of attention, you need to check your inner dialogue with yourself. What messages are you telling yourself that are holding you back from asking for what you want, in relationships and in life?

 

2 – The excitement of putting myself out there was worth the risk of failure.

Not every bold act is going to end the way you hope it might. But, the excitement of ‘going for it’, is often the part of the experience that’ll put a smile on your face every time you think about it. Stepping out of your comfort zone and putting yourself vulnerably on the line, empowers every act you take, going forward. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

 

3 – Shame is more of an inside punishment, than it is an outside judgment.

Shame is our way of punishing ourselves. If we allow others to shame us, we’re accepting their verdict of our unworthiness. Our worth comes from within, not from without. Banish shame, learn from any regrets, and make choices based on your own healthy self-respect and self-care. (Note: Other people care less about your shameful acts than you think they do.)

 

4 – Girls don’t have to wait for boys to initiate.

Even though girls are often socialized to wait for initiation, it’s important for every women to feel what it’s like to take charge and connect to their own directive power in the bedroom. Confidence is bold and self-assured. It’s able to both lead and follow. Romantic confidence is strengthened by owning your desires, being proud of your sexuality, and enjoying your freedom of romantic/sexual expression.

 

5 – You can’t force someone to like you.

As we grow in our romantic self-confidence, we open ourselves up to rejection and disappointment, but that doesn’t hold us back from loving.  Rather than being the victim of someone else’s choices, exercise resilience in the face of disappointment. Speak your truth, no matter what, forgive someone who can’t meet your needs, and keep your heart-centered friends close by for support.

 

6 – True romantic self-confidence is always vulnerable.

We can’t boldly build our romantic confidence, without being vulnerable at the same time.  A romantic/sexually confident person knows that intimacy is based on opening up and being vulnerable with another human being. Intimacy requires us to let feelings in, and to let the armor down, even when it’s risky.

As Brene Brown says,

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

 

Confidence is more than a thought. It’s a feeling.

When I think about the story of Paul, the thing I remember most, isn’t the betrayal or embarrassment, it’s the feeling I had when I hung up the phone, after hearing him say “I like you.”

My 11 year-old self, felt enlivened and excited with this new-found sense of confidence. That feeling was worth whatever the outcome would bring. If I could do that, I thought to myself, I could do anything.

Think about a time when you stepped into your own romantic/sexual confidence and made something happen. Recall everything about it. What you did, thought and said. Walk through it in your mind and remember what it was like to embody confidence.

Remember that feeling. Draw on that embodied state of confidence the next time you take a leap, whether it’s initiating passionate love, speaking your honest truth, asking for what you want, or like me, many years ago, telling a boy you like him.  😊

 

Private coaching will help you build your romantic self-confidence.

 

Schedule your 15 min. Discovery Call today.

Let’s talk about how you can find your freedom of expression, and invite your desire out to play.

Corinne Farago portrait waist up

Stay well and love deeply,

Corinne

Lovesexanddesire.com

 

Be sure to download my list of 186 erotic activities that I outline in my new e-book, Your Erotic Menu.

It may be the single most impactful step you take toward your sexual evolution. (I can confidently say, your dates nights will never be the same!)

(Mail about sex will often get sent to promotions or junk. Move me to your inbox so we can continue to stay in touch regularly. ☺)

 

 

Putting the Sexy into Consent

By |September 3rd, 2021|Categories: Articles, Coaching|

One of my couples came to me feeling the fallout of a non-consensual incident that resulted in one of them feeling angry and the other confused. The man made the mistake of not asking his partner’s consent to try out something new in the bedroom. Rather than talking about it with his partner beforehand, he showed up in the bedroom with handcuffs, and proceeded to lock his partners arms behind her back. There was no conversation about using restraints and no mutual exploration on the subject of bondage beforehand. In effect, consent was not given, and because of that it didn’t go well, at all.

The Curse of Confirmation Bias

By |August 20th, 2021|Categories: Articles, Coaching|

Confirmation bias. We all have it. We experience it every day in the news, in our politics, in our workplace, and most directly in our relationships, where partners can suffer the consequences of confirmation bias on a daily basis. When it comes to our relationship it makes sense then that our brains are far more skilled at noticing what’s wrong with our partner, than what’s right.

Ethical Porn

By |August 13th, 2021|Categories: Articles, Coaching|

Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the all time big driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex signals our desire to have sex ourselves, since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and leads a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.

2021-02-12T02:34:30+00:00

Leave A Comment

Go to Top