Do Your Current Beliefs Reflect Who You Are Today?
If not, maybe it’s time to “Marie Kondo” your sexual beliefs
By Corinne Farago
This week a client told me she was doing a Marie Kondo on her closet. She was getting rid of what no longer gave her joy.
We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner and the nagging resistance she has to being touched.
Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil and she’d shut down.
This didn’t stop her from having a sex life, but it did prevent her from looking forward to sex and enjoying it. After a few coaching sessions, she was ready to see her touch aversion for what it is, a belief system that no longer serves her.
I suggested she view her beliefs much like the old sweaters she was throwing out, and do a Maria Kondo on her sexual beliefs.
She could hold them up and ask the question. Do these belief systems give me joy?
This isn’t as easy as throwing out an old sweater, but it poses the same simple question:
What do I believe and are those beliefs serving my happiness?
It was pretty clear to her that what she (and her body) believed that receiving touch was not joyful. She was finally ready to pack them up and let them go, and do the work of replacing them with beliefs that serve her today.
I reminded her of Marie’s very important step before letting something go…
That is to first thank it for its place in your life and the purpose it served at one time.
When we form beliefs about sex we’re usually pretty young. Our early life experiences often imprint themselves strongly in our brain. Everything is new, we’re inexperienced and easily influenced in our attitudes.
We form judgments and develop fears that can stay with us for a lifetime, unless we hold them up to the light of scrutiny and ask ourselves Marie’s question:
“Does this belief system give me joy?”
When it’s time to let go of limiting sexual beliefs and replace them with new sex-positive beliefs that expand our ability to love and be loved, we can thank what no longer serves us.
Even our most troubling and constricting beliefs today may have protected us from hurt in the past. Our judgments and fears may have kept us safe at one point in time.
If your old sexual beliefs no longer reflect who you are today; if they’re protecting you from something that is no longer a threat, then you have the choice to replace old beliefs with new ones.
So rather than shoving your antiquated beliefs in a box of shame and regret, you can hold them up to the light and give them one last look over.
You can acknowledge that even though they had their time and place, you’re ready to replace them with something new and fresh.
What are your antiquated sexual beliefs?
Is it time to open the closet door and let your inner Marie Kondo out?
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By engaging in honest self-reflection and exploring the source of our stories, we can better understand ourselves and improve relationships by approaching conversations with clarity instead of fear or judgement. By owning up to what we’re telling ourselves and actively listening to our inner dialogue, we can unravel distorted thinking and create healthier connections with those around us.
9 Reasons Why Couples Work With a Relationship Coach
I love my couples. They reach out for sex coaching, wanting to create a fulfilling sexual and intimate life. The number one obstacle to achieving their goals is sometimes an unhealthy relationship dynamic. For most of us, opening ourselves to sexuality with our partners requires trust, connection and a sense of emotional safety. If our relationships are being impacted by unhealthy dynamics that leave us triggered and harboring conscious or unconscious resentment, sexuality will be impacted or, at worst no longer exist.
Sexual Trauma and PTSD
Sexual Trauma and PTSD keep painful memories from our past alive and present in our day to day lives. Hypnotherapy uses the power of your own mind to unlock the hold these memories have on you, by helping your brain process them in a gentle and effective way. If you suffer from trauma, you’re well aware that some memories trigger feelings of present-time fear, keeping you anxious, and on high alert, even though consciously you know you’re no longer in danger. If some of those memories have created Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that means your brain is ‘matching’ those past memories to present day experiences, or what is referred to as ‘pattern matching’ in Hypnotherapy.
New Ways to Heal Old Wounds
When two people get together to form a relationship, there are two sets of wounds merging and intertwining, our partner’s and our own. We know when our old wounds are being dragged into a conflict because our pain and defensiveness will suddenly spike. If our partner is speaking the same words as our inner abuser, the armor will go up, and disagreements will escalate into shouting, tearful battles.