Saying No, With Love
By Corinne Farago
It’s a romantic myth that good relationships don’t require setting boundaries. In fact, healthy relationships depend on setting and respecting boundaries.
Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. They help to establish a framework of mutual respect, safety, and trust.
When we don’t set clear boundaries or communicate our desires and expectations, our partner may not know how to meet our needs or may not even be aware that they are not meeting our expectations. This can lead to feelings of disappointment and resentment, as we may feel like our needs are not being prioritized or valued.
Without boundaries, relationships can become unbalanced, leaving one partner feeling overwhelmed or resentful.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean that we don’t love or trust our partner; rather, it means that we value ourselves and our relationship enough to ensure that both partners are honored and respected.
This mean that both partners communicate their needs and expectations clearly. They’re willing to listen and compromise when necessary. By working together to establish and maintain boundaries, partners can create a relationship that is based on mutual respect, trust, and love.
How do we say no, with love?
Most of the conversations around boundaries these days focus on protecting ourselves from narcissists, gas-lighters, or toxic relationships that need to end, but how do we set boundaries with those we love?
Without love and compassion, setting boundaries can feel like a rejection or criticism, which can lead to conflict and resentment.
However, when we communicate love in the process of setting boundaries, we create a space for open and honest communication, where both partners can express their needs and expectations without fear of judgment or rejection.
When we communicate love in the process of setting boundaries, we demonstrate to our partner that we care about their feelings and well-being, and that we are committed to maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.
Communicating love when setting boundaries helps to reinforce the positive aspects of the relationship and to build trust and intimacy. When we demonstrate that we care about our partner’s feelings and well-being, we create a safe and supportive environment where both partners can thrive and grow together.
The next time you need to set a boundary with your partner, keep these things in mind:
- Don’t bark out your boundary when you’re in a triggered state. Wait until you’re calm and set aside a time to sit down and talk about your needs.
- Say it with love. Help your partner feel loved and appreciated as you set your boundary. Help them feel that your boundary is not a form of punishment or payback, but is rather a healthy conversation about maintaining autonomy, trust, and connection.
- Make clear agreements so your partner understands your needs and knows how to meet them. Think about what you want out of that conversation beforehand, and work together to establish what those new agreements might be.
- Remember that relationships aren’t rigid. Nothing is written in stone. As things evolve new agreements can always be suggested in the future. Acknowledge that agreements are honored so trust can be built.
Lastly, listen to your gut.
Boundaries are an important part of caring for ourselves. They allow us to prioritize our own needs and well-being.
Learn to recognize your own boundaries. Your body is the first place you’ll feel a boundary being crossed. If your gut is clenched, if your throat is tense, your body is asking you to pay attention.
Reach out for help if you want to learn more about setting boundaries with love for yourself, and love for others.
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