By Corinne Farago
Polarity is found in every part of nature. Yin and Yang, heaven and earth, light and dark, life and death, creation and destruction, the strong and the weak.
And likewise polarity lives within us: loving and hating, nurturing and punishing, laughter and tears, happy and sad.
We flow between polarities everyday. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner, and the next we’re giving firm directives to our children to keep them safe, or stating our needs in how we want our meal prepared in a restaurant.
A couple lacking in sexual polarity might describe their relationship by saying things like:
- I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers.
- It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex.
- We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery.
Their sexual polarity has been lost.
Or, they both want to initiate so they’re trying to please each other at the same time.
Or, they both want to be seduced so neither of them will take the initiative
Their sexual polarity has been lost.
Sometimes a couple will exclaim, “Oh, we’re each other’s best friend.”
On the surface it sounds idyllic, right. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual pull that creates desire.
Do you relate to your partner as your lover or your best friend?
How would your partner answer that question?
How does it feel to be related to as a best friend compared to a lover? Think about it. Does this resonate with you? What kind of polarity do you currently have in your relationship?
Now let me make a very important point here about gender:
The matter of polarity not only applies to woman/man relationships, but it’s equally important to same gender couples. Polarity creates attraction regardless of our gender and we all have feminine/masculine energy within us.
We all know what it’s like to have directive masculine energy as well as receptive feminine energy. Gender is inconsequential in creating polarity so consider this a conversation for all genders and groupings of sexual partners.
The Me Too movement is escorting society into a new era, and that evolution is shifting how women and men relate to each other.
Women are finding their directive voice by saying no to unwanted advances, and men are afraid of being “that guy” who is seen with suspicion and fear.
Men know they want a feeling of polarity but they don’t know how to initiate a flirtatious dialogue or show authentic desire and attraction without the risk of crossing boundaries.
Women are on high alert for misconduct when a man shows interest but they also want to stay in the game of seduction and flirtation. Everyone is walking on eggshells and the erotic play that we all love in the seduction game is being neutralized for the sake of equality.
While we’re anxious to find equality or sameness in every other aspect of the masculine/feminine conversation, that sameness doesn’t work so well in the bedroom.
Sameness in the bedroom deadens the polarity that creates erotic tension. And if polarity is lost, desire is soon to follow.
Couples who explore their sexual polarity will often:
- Maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom.
- They’ll tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day.
- Share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a seductive look from across the room.
- Text sexy thoughts from work in anticipation of a planned play date.
- They’ll more readily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated.
Here’s a simple exercise that illustrates the polarity of leading and following, that you can do right now:
In a standing position about a foot apart, face each other holding your hands up chest level, palms facing your partner. Touch hands together softly with your fingers open.
Start moving your hands slowly while keeping a soft contact with your partner’s hands.
Notice how you’re both moving.
What does it feel like to move together?
Take a minute to settle in with this simple movement of your hands touching softly.
Now, without changing what you’re doing, the person with the shorter hair take the lead and guide your partner where to slowly move their hands while staying connected with a light touch.
The person with the longer hair, allow yourself to be guided. Maintain a very slow, relaxed pace that is easy to follow and stay connected to your partner as they mirror your movement.
Now switch and the person with the longer hair take the lead. Notice what it’s like to switch roles. Continue for a minute or so, and then debrief together.
What did you notice?
What was it like at first when neither of you was leading?
What was it like to lead?
What was it like to follow?
Did one feel more natural?
Was one more challenging?
Was there resistance on your partner’s part to lead or follow or did it flow one way more than the other?
This is a simple physical exercise to illustrate the polarity of leading and following. It’s not gender based or power based. It’s a consensual agreement between two people to assume roles in order to create a flow of polarity by simply leading and following.
Erotic power exchange is a term that describes the play of sexual polarity between partners. In order to play with power exchange you have to first understand that you’re playing with opposites.
Dominating and submitting,
Pursuing and being pursued
Seducing and being seduced
We agree to assume roles that heighten our experience of polarity so we can feel the erotic energy it produces.
If you’ve ever seen tigers mating, the polarity of the pursuer and the pursued is exciting and very sexual. Nature’s sexual polarity teaches us about our own inherent workings.
Each of these polarities is interdependent and relies on the other to exist.
Therefore each role holds its own equal and opposite power, not more or less than its polar opposite.
Like the exercise you just did, the ‘doer’ is the initiator and guides the play. The person being ‘done to’ is not a powerless, passive receiver, on the contrary, they actively receive, allowing themselves to be led. Just as the doer’s power is found in doing.
The person being ‘done to’ finds their power in their surrender.
This is important to understand. Their power is found in their surrender. Each role holds its own power. The ‘doer’ wants to take action. The ‘done to’ wants to receive that action. Both are getting their needs met through mutual consent.
Like anything else in sexuality, exploring and maintaining polarity is an ongoing evolution for any long-term relationship.
Private online sex and relationship coaching is a unique journey for every couple. Moving from a depolarized relationship to a polarized one is just your first step in that journey.
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Stay well and love deeply,
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