A client this week shared with me that the reason she doesn’t want to show her partner the new kinky sex toys she ordered is because he might make her feel silly.
She’s assuming he won’t share her desires, but she’s too afraid to ask.
Last year, a client confided in me about how much he wanted to take his partner to a clothing optional resort here in California. I asked him why he hasn’t done that:
He said “She’d never do something like that.”
“How do you know if you don’t ask her” I said.
“I just know” was his answer.
One of my current clients is a woman who had yet to experience an orgasm. She longed to become orgasmic. She had chosen to fake her orgasms for fear of how it might impact her partner and their sex life.
Even though she can now orgasm on her own, she remains too shy to orgasm with her partner, and the deception continues.
I just got off the phone with a client who loves to cross dress.
He’s not the first or the last cross dressing client I have coached.
Because of the stigma attached to this particular sexual fetish, most cross dressers remain closeted from their partners for fear of being rejected should they be found out.
We all have our stories that hold us back from expressing our erotic desires and sharing who we authentically are with our sexual partners.
Even though these clients can’t yet be sexually authentic with their partners, they are able to be true to who they are in our coaching sessions. They find their own truth and self-acceptance in the confidentiality of our coaching sessions.
This is the first step on your journey toward sexual authenticity.
We all make choices as to what we share with others and what we don’t share. There are real consequences to telling a difficult truth. Are we willing to pay the price that may come with speaking our truth? That depends on the situation.
If your partner just bought a new shirt that doesn’t look good on them, in your opinion, there’s not a lot riding on telling them the truth. But if you’re not enjoying sex with your partner because of the way they touch you, or your desires aren’t being met, then telling the truth has a greater risk and a greater reward.
The purpose of being honest about sex is to learn to communicate what works for you sexually and why. The purpose of sexual honesty is to move toward what you desire.
The number one reason most people say they don’t speak their truth to their partner is because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I think it runs deeper than that. I think we don’t want to speak our truth because we’re not confident about having a conversation that will lead us to the deeper intimacy that can be found in truth telling.
Having conversations about sex and what we desire creates risk. Risk that we’ll be judged, shamed, denied, or we’ll lose the love of our partner. This is a risk most of us aren’t willing to take.
So the alternative to being sexually honest is to disempower ourselves, deny our desires and go along with sex that doesn’t work for us, or worse, live with no sex at all. We end up living sexually inauthentic lives, and we pay a big price for it.
The price is we never find out what’s on the other side of that truthful conversation, because we’re not willing to take the risk, to find out. We form our own stories about our partner’s ability to hear our truth, in order to justify our silence.
Sexual silence is laden with tension and the unspoken conversations can weigh heavy on a relationship. Silence supports sexual inauthenticity.
On the other side of the silence is a world of trust, intimacy and mutual pleasure.
But hear this truth. Your partner may be not only be willing to hear what you have to share, they may welcome it. They may be withholding their own truth for the same reasons. You may both be sexually inauthentic with each other.
This is a light bulb moment for many clients. Rather than focusing solely on their own complaint, they expand their consideration to include what their partner’s experience and disappointments might be as well.
If you and your partner are living sexually inauthentic lives, it’s time to break the silence. Truth will lead you to your next steps, whatever they may be.
I’m happy to be your guide in your journey back to truth.
Because you’re part of the Love Sex and Desire family, next week I’m going to gift you with an experience that will break the silence.
It will be a conversational passage way into some deep dives for you both.
You’ll get to know each other in new ways.
You’ll add to your erotic menu with activities that reveal and support your sexual authenticity.
And most importantly, you’ll feel the freedom of living a sexually authentic life.
Communication is where it all begins.
Stay well and love deeply,
Relationship and Sexual Empowerment Coaching…
is for the curious at heart, the sexual adventurers, and the lovers who long for more.
I work with clients online or by phone from all over the world.
Give me a call and we’ll speak for 15 mins to discuss the details of working together so you can find the love, sex and desire you long for:
You may not identify with having sexual shame. You may be quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising. You may support honest and truthful sex education, and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. The shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs. Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestor’s sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients.
Teri and John (we’ll call them) came to see me a few months ago. They described their 15 year relationship as compatible and loving, except when it came to sex and intimacy, neither of which they were able to figure out how to change for the better. They reached a point where they could see three roads ahead of them...
You may think that having a threesome would be exciting, but the truth is, you’re already in a threesome. There’s you, your partner, and your relationship.
When we begin to view our relationship as the 3rd in our threesome, it’s easier to see how we are either feeding it with attention and nurturing care, or we’re literally ignoring it to death.
Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to
be with what ‘is’.
Savoring brings an additional layer of experience with it. It brings a depth of noticing that is filled with feelings of gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.