Most people will understand an ‘erotic menu’ to mean the activities they engage in during sex. But if I ask a client what’s on their erotic menu, they’ll often look perplexed. They’ll start with intercourse, kissing, touching, oral sex but, after these more obvious activities, they realize their list is pretty short actually.
“I mean, how many things can two people do during sex?” Was what someone said to me a few weeks ago.
I decided to answer that question quite literally. So, I created a full-spectrum list of 186 sexual activities that range from sensual, to tantric, to romantic, to passionate, to fetish, to kinky. I called this document Your Erotic Menu.
It teaches couples how to talk about sex with curiosity and honesty. It also introduces new ideas to add to your erotic menu from a list of activities that appeal to a large cross section of lovers.
It’s universally understood that one of the antidotes to sexual boredom is novelty. Novelty shifts our state, it engages our brain and arousal system in new ways, it also lifts the veil of familiarity and routine so we can see our partner in a new light, and a new erotic perspective. Novelty realigns our attraction to our partner and reintroduces sexual polarity back into our dynamic.
Here are some other well-recognized strategies to enliven sexual desire.
Introducing adventure, like learning something new, and trying new things together.
Expanding your awareness of human sexuality in all its vast array of tastes and preferences.
Coming together as a team, and proactively taking steps to improve your sex life.
Starting to talk about sex in a way that is curious, interested, and inviting.
After I completed this very long list of full-spectrum erotic activities I knew I couldn’t just give it to clients without making sure they knew how to use the list to actually bring about change in their sex lives.
I created a 23 page e-book that supports a couple in using the list to actually transform their relationship and shift how they talk about sex.
I laid out how to communicate their desires, curiosities and fantasies in a way that insures safe, revealing and compassionate listening.
By identifying activities that excite, or engage our imagination, and then sharing our interests with our partner, we open the door to conversations that inspire us to grow and explore beyond what is overly familiar and comfortably routine.
We begin to see sex as more than 7.5 min. end of the day stress release activity, and more of a journey with many roads to explore along the way; A journey that actually has no end-point but, rather a progression throughout the years of experimentation, exploration and continuous learning.
It’s fascinating to read through a list of 186 sexual/erotic activities. When we’re exposed to this kind of sexual diversity, we can’t help but become tolerant and supportive of tastes that fall outside of our range of interest. Together we make a diverse and beautiful rainbow of human sexual expression.
As I often say, we are no more responsible for what turns us on, than we are the color of our eyes.
Self-acceptance, acceptance of others, curiosity and consent, are all part of being a sex-positive grown-up.There is no ‘normal’ in sexuality, therefore there’s no standard to hold ourselves or other up to.
Sex can be psychological, physical, deep, playful. It can be romantic. It can challenge our limits, and it can open our hearts.
Sex is whatever you want it to be. How you and your partner agree to engage in sex is up to both of you, and your agreed upon guidelines.
Talking about sex with a curious mind and authentic desire, is the first step in deciding the kind of sex you want, and the role it will play in your life.
I’m looking forward to hearing how this erotic communication exercise works for you. Whether you’re dating or in a long-term relationship, talking about your sexual desires with your partner is key to being a great lover.
I know this list of 186 activities may raise some questions for some of you.
You may want to ask questions about some of the activities.
You may want support in introducing this exercise to your partner.
You may want to know what the next steps are to successfully introduce new items onto your erotic menu.
If you’d like to receive private coaching that addresses your unique circumstance and relationship, set up a free 15 minute Discovery Call with me here to learn more about working with me as your personal sex and intimacy coach.
I woke up this morning feeling emotionally battered by the bullying behavior in our first national Presidential debate this week. I thought about how many people who currently live, or have lived under the same roof with an adult bully. I wondered how many of them were left triggered by the bullying behavior that is all too painfully familiar.
If sex is not on your mind these days, don’t beat yourself up about it. Our bodies are not designed to think about sex when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. When stress is dictating our lack of sexual desire, we need to find ways to regulate our stress. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it.
You may not identify with having sexual shame. You may be quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising. You may support honest and truthful sex education, and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. The shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs. Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestor’s sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients.
Teri and John (we’ll call them) came to see me a few months ago. They described their 15 year relationship as compatible and loving, except when it came to sex and intimacy, neither of which they were able to figure out how to change for the better. They reached a point where they could see three roads ahead of them...