We are ever-evolving sexual creatures, and we spend our entire lives reflecting on this question, ‘who am I?’
How well do we know ourselves, really?
This question is probably most urgent in our teens and twenties as we’re becoming adults and trying to find our place in the world. We have a deep need to belong, find our place in community and join with others who accept us.
Our sexuality is a big part of that exploration, with pressures coming from all directions to conform to a sexual identity that is both socially acceptable within our tribe, and true to who we know ourselves to be on the inside. If we’re lucky, we can have both.
What often happens however is that our sexual explorations end once we think we’ve found our answer, and that can happen far too soon.
Social norms, bad sex education, expectation from lovers, even our own resignation and frustration can halt our sexual evolution and in many cases our sexual fulfillment.
We end up seeing our sexuality through the narrow lens of what life has given us, either in our lack of exposure, our partner’s preferences, or our own perspective of what’s ‘right or wrong’ when it comes to arousal and Eros.
Too often couples find themselves settling into a sexual routine that dulls their sexual explorations and therefore stunts their evolution.
“My partner and I aren’t sexually matched.”
This notion often presents itself in what is referred to as ‘mismatched desire’, creating a push and pull dynamic between the lower desire partner and the higher desire partner. Both feel misunderstood, blaming each other for too much or too little sexual libido.
But the elusive libido has taken far too much of the blame when it comes to sexual desire. It gives couples an easy excuse to blame and shame each other for their differences, rather than pulling back the curtain and taking a deeper look at things like, pathways to desire, erotic fantasies, our sexual identities.
This all begins when a couple learns to talk openly, honestly and vulnerably about sex.
When a couple agrees to stop pointing fingers, step out of their sexual routines and start exploring again, they often discover that sex and arousal comes in many flavors, and their inherent pathway to arousal and turn-on might be found in sexual styles that are less familiar to them. You don’t know what you don’t know.
Sensual, Tantra, Romance, Passion, Fetish and Kink are all spectrums within the wide world of human sexual expression.
Where we find ourselves on that spectrum is part of our journey. Personally, it’s my belief that we narrow our sexual identity far too quickly in life, and exclude other avenues to arousal before we’ve even investigated them fully.
We make presumptions based on what we think we know, rather than what we’ve experienced for ourselves, first hand. That’s a shame.
When it comes to sex coaching, I feel it’s part of my job, to support a client’s exploration. An integral part of that journey is supporting their self-acceptance and their education.
Let’s take a look at the different sexual styles that live inside of you, and learn about their energy, language, touch, and activities, so you can explore for yourself. My guess is that you may find some surprising pathways to arousal that will only add to your sexual enjoyment.
You are unique. Your partner is unique. What turns us on is the culmination of so many factors in life.
No matter your age, your history, your biases, or your lack of experience, learning about your sexual self for the purpose of fulfillment, empowerment and self-acceptance can start now.
Sex and intimacy coaching is where you and your partner learn how to express all aspects of your sexual selves. Schedule a Discovery Call with me and we’ll start the conversation.
Shame doesn’t change behavior or eliminate the desire that is motivating our actions. It drives our desires into secrecy, and secrecy coupled with shame undermines the trust and intimacy of a relationship.
Play is a reset button for our over-stressed, news-saturated, time-pressured adult minds. Most couples I work with will readily admit that play is not something they experience on a regular basis. Life has gotten too busy. There’s barely enough time to be alone to talk, much less play.
I was helping a friend celebrate his birthday this week. The 4 of us who attended this little outdoor soiree were diligently wearing our masks and keeping our distance. When someone held up a camera to take a pic of the birthday boy, I jumped up and, without thinking went over to wrap my arm around him and snuggled up close for the camera. In that split second I completely forgot that touching was a risk to both of us. I lurched back, apologizing profusely for my momentary lapse. “When was the last time someone touched you?” I asked him…
I love my couples. They reach out for sex coaching, wanting to create a fulfilling sexual and intimate life. The number one obstacle to achieving their goals is sometimes an unhealthy relationship dynamic. For most of us, opening ourselves to sexuality with our partners requires trust, connection and a sense of emotional safety. If our relationships are being impacted by unhealthy dynamics that leave us triggered and harboring conscious or unconscious resentment, sexuality will be impacted or, at worst no longer exist.