Using kink as a way to heighten passion and deepen trust and intimacy is one of my favorite things to teach couples who come to see me for sex coaching.
Often when I use the word kink, people conjure up images of whips, chains and pain.
But what’s kinky depends on you. For some people kinky might be a blindfold or being restrained to a chair with satin ties.
We ALL have our inner kinkster and that’s the part of you I’m talking to today.
I want to talk to you about how to bring your kink into your relationship and how to bring your relationship into your kink.
As a somatic sex and intimacy coach I will sometimes offer kink as a tool to play with energy and work with a couple’s dynamic. It’s one of most interesting and effective ways to bring awareness to issues involving sexual polarity, communication and the inner workings of our erotic minds.
Couples who are willing to explore and get creative together have the opportunity to address issues in their relationship through erotic play. Issues such as:
Lack of touch
Fear of asking for what is wanted
Shyness and lack of confidence
Desires to be in control
Desires to relinquish control
By introducing playful activities into their erotic lives, couples can find ways of getting their relationship needs met and form new patterns of relating.
Let’s take a look at how kink can acknowledge your relationship issues and bring them into your play as a form of somatic couples therapy, so to speak.
For me, this is where kink can become very effective in deepening trust and intimacy between partners.
By considering your relationship goals, you can design a sexy scene that will help you meet those goals.
Here are some examples of common issues clients come to see me about and some suggestions of how to address them within a kinky scene.
A scene, simply stated, is an agreed upon period of time in which you both give consent to explore together for the sake of fun and learning. It’s a container that is pre-planned, prepared for and agreed upon by both parties in which one person is leading and the other person is being lead.
This is the most common challenge couples come to me about. They’re stuck in a pattern of one person being the predominant initiator, while the other plays a more passive role. If left too long this pattern can lead to hurt feelings and frustration on both sides.
Experiment with the initiation of sex and the escalation of erotic energy by interrupting old patterns.
The person who normally initiates less, takes on the roll of initiator.
They agree to schedule a sex date and it’s completely up to them what will happen on that sex date based on their desires and preferences.
The one who normally initiates takes the back seat and receives the attention as well as the direction. The initiating partner can feel what it’s like to own their own desire and call the shots, rather than their usual role of feeling pursued and pressured.
Here’s the important caveat to this experiment. Make the agreement that sex will happen each week or whatever frequency feels good to both of you prior to this experiment. It’s up to the initiator to keep that promise. See what it feels like to step out of your usual routine and into new roles.
When we have our partner tied to a chair, there’s no question that we have their full attention. Consider this a form or playful interrogation. You might even shine a bright light on them, obscuring you and the rest of the room.
Challenge them to list off all the things they love about you. The ways you make their life better. The things about you they are grateful for.
If they meet the mark, give them a treat (whatever that might be).
The happier they make you in their responses, the better the treats.
If this sounds a little like dog training, it’s because it sort of is
LACK OF TOUCH
If one of you isn’t getting touched enough, rather than getting moody and withdrawing, start reaching out and initiating some playful ways of touching and being touched.
Wrestling can become a highly erotic past-time that can lead to laughter, physical exertion and excitement.
This kind of playful touching is a great way to move sexual energy in your bodies.
Throw an old sheet on the bed and rub each other down with coconut oil and see who can get each other’s underwear off first. Erotic wrestling may become your favorite kinky foreplay to warm you up.
Hands aren’t the only way to experience sensation. Explore the wonderful world of sensation play together by incorporating floggers, fur, ice, hot wax, scratching and learn how different sensations can heighten erotic energy and get your sensory needs met by thinking outside of the box.
DON’T LIKE THE KIND OF TOUCH YOU’RE GETTING?
How well does your partner know what turns you on? Couples can lose interest in sex because they simply don’t like the way they’re being touched, and they don’t know how to ask for something different. This can change.
This is all about you and your body. You strip and place a blindfold on your partner (check out ‘Mindfold’ online. It blocks every sliver of light) Straddle your partner’s lap and guide their hands across your body. Show them exactly how you like to be touched. Run their hands across your face, your nipples, your navel, and any other erogenous zone you want them to learn about. Use your words to instruct them just how you like it.
Is one of you on the shy side? Shyness in a relationship can show up in different ways and hold them back sexually. They can have trouble with being looked at, or making eye contact may be uncomfortable for them.
But with any outer personality traits, there usually lies an inner opposite that longs to be invited out to play. This may be a bit edgy for some shy people, but if you’re up for it try to connect to your inner exhibitionist while your partner settles into being the voyeur. Set the scene by dimming the lights and putting on some sexy music.
It’s challenging to feel exposed if you’re shy in nature, but if you and your partner agree to experiment and explore it can be thrilling to be told what to wear, and then be instructed to take off one article of clothing at a time as your partner sits and watches you.
They might tell you how to stand, how to move. They might invite you to dance or position yourself for their viewing pleasure. Perhaps they’ll make use of a flashlight so they can shine some light on the parts of your body they love the most. Give them permission to call the shots.
Imagine wearing a blindfold as you do this. You wouldn’t have the discomfort of watching them watch you and you can let your imagination wander behind the mask. Set this scene container to 5,10,15 mins. Use a timer so neither of you has to watch the time.
Allow yourself to be told what to do while your trusted dominant partner watches and desires you. And there’s really nothing you can do about it, right? That’s fun and hot!
THE NICE GUY/GOOD GIRL SYNDROME
Both men and women can get stuck in an outer persona that identifies as a ‘good’ person, and good people don’t have selfish desires. They don’t dominate others. And they don’t like to take risks for fear of offending.
Partners of nice guys and good girls are often left missing the passion that comes from lovers who know how to lead and initiate.
So if you’re a ‘bad boy or girl’ trapped inside of a nice person’s body, create a scene to turn your inside out! Step into your alter ego and even exaggerate your demanding, sexually selfish side. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels to shed a lifetime of approval seeking and start ordering your partner to give you exactly what you want.
Remember, the beauty of doing this within a scene is that it’s a consensual container with a beginning and an end. You’re being given full permission to be someone different within that container.
Give your alter ego a name that resonates with you. Perhaps it’s someone you know who has your alter ego traits, or a character in a movie or book that turned you on.
I guarantee your partner will love seeing the side of you that follows your own erotic desires and pleasure.
THE BORED COUPLE
Our routines around sex get old pretty fast if we’re not engaging our erotic imagination.
Feeling like sex has become a functional interaction without a lot of passion is pretty common.
Simply changing the how, when, or where we have sex can be a good place to start.
For many people the idea of having sex in public places excites them. It’s dangerous, it’s taboo and both of these things have a way of igniting our passion. One of my clients gave her husband the best blow job of his life a few weeks ago in a restaurant bathroom with the door locked. It was fast and hot and now that memory is happily implanted in his brain forever.
If public sex isn’t your thing then maybe you’re more of a ‘closet’ exhibitionist (literally!)
Clear out the shoes and boxes in your bedroom closet. Find a sturdy wooden hanger and tie your partners hand’s to it. Place or tie it on the rod and have your way with them.
Touch them slowly, explore their body and enjoy their helplessness. They can’t push your hands away and if they wiggle around too much you can always discipline them with some light tickling or spanking. Might be a good opportunity to use a gag of some kind so the neighbors don’t hear how much fun you’re having (unless you want them to ).
THE BOSS WHO LONGS TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO
Most any professional dominants will tell you that many of their clients are A-type personalities who spend their days calling the shots, telling people what to do and being responsible for a lot.
Why do A types want to be dominated ? Because they need balance between being controlling and being controlled. Because they want to be told what to do for a change. They want to actually be commanded what to do by a firm disciplinarian who isn’t afraid to ask for what they want, and isn’t afraid to administer consequences if their requests aren’t met.
I’ve heard both men and women speak of this kind of experience as one that clears their minds and resets their focus. They want a container in which to let go of who they are in the world, in order to return to it refreshed.
Note: being dominant is more than being mean and bossy. If you want to learn how to be an ethical dominant, let’s work together and I’ll show you ‘the ropes’.
THE MADONNA WHO LONGS TO BREAK FREE
The word slut has been claimed by women who denounce slut-shaming and advocate for free sexual expression. For a woman to acknowledge her inner slut she honors her sexuality in all its forms. It’s liberating to take a word that has caused women so much shame, and make it our own declaration of sexual empowerment.
Every woman has her inner slut. But how well does she know her. How often does she put her in the drivers seat and give her a voice.
Slutty energy is primal and direct in its desire.
Being witness to our partner’s desire creates a circuit of desire between you.
So this scene is all about the embodiment of sexual desire and sharing that with your partner.
Dim the lights, put on some sexy music (stay away from lyrics, they’re distracting and subjective!). Create a private lap dance for your paying customer. (actual money exchanged helps set the scene )
Tie them down to the kitchen chair by the hands and ankles so he/she can’t touch you. After all, that’s against the house rules.
Do some research online for lap dancing and practice your favorite moves on them.
After some lap grinding you might notice their obvious arousal. Going for the big tip may require you to offer some more personal contact but that’s up to you. You’re in control.
As you can see, kink doesn’t have to involve pain or meanness. It can be playful, teasing and emotionally connecting.
I’ve never met a couple who couldn’t use some imagination when it comes to their erotic lives.
Give some of these suggestions a try and let me know how they go in the comments below.
And, if you’re interested and live in the San Francisco Bay Area…
On March 29th I’m co-teaching a one-day workshop for couples who want to explore what I like to call ‘the delicious tension of sexual polarity and power exchange’.
The workshop is called –
Heart and Edge, The Dance of Passion and Erotic Power Play
I’ll be teaching with my friend Galen Fous, who happens to also be my favorite kink teacher. Galen and I share the same perspective about the necessity for couples to access and explore their erotic minds together in order to enliven their sexual connection for the long-term.