The Spiral Effect of
Mis-Matched Desire

The #1 Challenge My Clients Deal With and How To Fix It

Let’s unpack one of the most common complaints I hear from men about their partners when they come to see me for sex and intimacy coaching.

“We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why”

These men don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it.

It usually starts with accusations that it’s their partner’s fault.

They blame their lack of sex on their partner’s loss of desire and interest.

There’s a common progression in this scenario. (It goes without saying that this also applies to both genders but I’m speaking about the men here and what I experience in my coaching practice)

After some weeks, months, or even years of initiating sex without feeling any desire coming back at them, these men will get to the point of no longer asking. They’ll find their own ways to avoid sex, and begin shutting down emotionally.

Resentment sets in and creates an undercurrent of withholding and tension in the relationship.

This can show itself as irritability, angry outbursts or passive aggressive behavior, all of which undermine intimacy and attraction, the very thing they long to have more of.

One of my first questions is “have you had an honest and open conversation about your sex life and why your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?”

“No.”

“Why not,” I’ll ask them.

“Because I know why. They’re not interested in sex anymore.”

Sometimes the hardest part of sex is talking about it in a way that’s curious, open and solution focused. But for that to happen these men need to move beyond their (fill in the blank) betrayal, sadness, punishment, withholding.

It’s understandable to feel all of these things. It’s scary to lose your partner’s desire.

What if they’re not attracted to you anymore? What if they find someone they have desire for? What if you never get your sex life back again? What if your relationship is over? It becomes a rabbit hole of what if’s that goes deeper into subjective despair, shame and resentment.

In this mindset, these men can turn to affairs or pornography for their primary sexual outlet, leaving their partner’s feeling abandoned and alone. Shame becomes part of both of their stories. He has shame because he no longer feels desired by the person he loves, and his partner has shame because they know they’re not meeting the needs of the person they love.

Shame is isolating. It thrives in silence. It eats away at our self-esteem and tells us we’re unlovable.

Couples end up arguing about porn consumption or promiscuity instead of what’s happening in their sex life. It’s easier to point the finger at the symptoms than it is to speak honestly about the source of the problem, desire.

But there’s a way through this rabbit hole and it starts with an honest and vulnerable dialogue. That means no blaming, no defending, no presumptions, no accusations.

Talking about sexual challenges is one of the most vulnerable conversations we can have with our partner. There are 10 ground rules to keep in mind when you talk to your partner about sex. (Visit lovesexanddesire.com and watch my welcome video on the home page to learn more).

Sometimes it just makes sense to get some coaching to help you with conversations about sex and intimacy. It’s my job to give you the tools to help you become a more effective communicator, a more compassionate listener, and a more curious friend and partner.

If loss of desire is an issue in your relationship, take a look at my Sex and Intimacy Fulfillment Wheel. You’ll see 4 quadrants that can help you better understand all the ways desire can be impacted.

If you want to learn how to bring desire back into your sexual life, it starts with setting up a 15 min. Exploratory Call with me here:

Click here to schedule your Exploration Call

Let’s talk about love, sex and desire.