When we commit to live with an open heart, we do whatever it takes to keep it open. That looks different for every couple, but every couple has their unique path that leads them to an open-hearted love.
Most couples who come to me for intimacy and relationship coaching have one thing in common; they want to know how to get their partner to change. They’ve gotten so used to paying attention to their partner’s shortcomings, that they’ve forgotten, or chosen to ignore their own 50% of the relationship equation.
No matter who you are or how happy you are in your relationship you’re going to experience conflict. Experiencing conflict in your relationship is not sign of weakness, nor a lack of wisdom. It’s simply a polarized dialogue between two people holding opposing positions. How we navigate this dialogue is determined by how skillful we are at moving through conflict as a couple.
One of my couples came to me feeling the fallout of a non-consensual incident that resulted in one of them feeling angry and the other confused. The man made the mistake of not asking his partner’s consent to try out something new in the bedroom. Rather than talking about it with his partner beforehand, he showed up in the bedroom with handcuffs, and proceeded to lock his partners arms behind her back. There was no conversation about using restraints and no mutual exploration on the subject of bondage beforehand. In effect, consent was not given, and because of that it didn’t go well, at all.
Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the all time big driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex signals our desire to have sex ourselves, since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and leads a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Having successful intimate conversations in a relationship is an art and practice. Even those who may have picked up some communication tools for the workplace, or from self-improvement workshops, won’t necessarily be able to transfer those skills to the type of very personal conversations that happen at home when emotions are running high. Our conversations with our partner hold a lot of weight. Everyone suffers when communication breaks down at home.
Where does sex fit into grief? The myth we tell ourselves is that these two very basic human experiences are mutually exclusive. We believe that we shouldn’t want sex until we’re feeling sexy and receptive, and we can’t be grieving if our bodies are turned-on and orgasmic.
Trauma lives in those who are obviously dysfunctional, as well as the lives of the seemingly highly functional. Trauma lives in the lives of the privileged as well as the lives of the underprivileged. Trauma doesn’t know an income bracket. When it comes to the impact on happiness, trauma treats all people equally.
Erotic power exchange is a term that describes the play of sexual polarity between partners. In order to play with power exchange you have to first understand that you’re playing with opposites. If you’ve ever seen tigers mating the polarity of the pursuer and the pursued is exciting and very sexual. Nature’s sexual polarity teaches us about our own inherent workings.
April 22nd was Earth Day, and I couldn’t have found myself in a more awe- inspiring part of the world, The American Southwest. It was my first visit to the Grand Canyon. My partner led me up to the rim with my eyes covered. He placed my hands on a metal barrier that stood over a very deep part of the canyon and told me to open my eyes.
